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columbia's naked newspaper
Issue 16.8: The Nekkid Issue
Posted: March 2001

Marauding Interviewer: Dwarves Fascinated by Own Pants


Marauding Interviewer: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

Self-Obsessed Dwarf #1: Teal really suits me, don't you think?

MI: Oh, come on! What's your favorite hairstyle? Have you seen any interesting hairstyles on campus lately?

SOD #1: Some people think that it would be gross to spend a lifetime at crotch level. I deal with by constantly staring down my pants.

MI: Some people think our cafeteria is gross. What's the grossest thing you've ever eaten at John Jay?

SOD #1: I'm cut pretty well for a guy my size. Pound for pound, I'm the sexist person alive.

MI: What do you plan to do over summer break?

SOD #1: People are always making jokes about me and Short Man Syndrome. It makes me want to rip their tracheas out.

 

Marauding Interviewer: That's an unbelievably low-cut unitard that you've got there. Do you often shop at Lord of the Fleas?

Self-Obsessed Dwarves #2 & #3: Good Lord! You're naked as the day you were born!

Marauding Interviewer: Yes, but I can't talk about that right now. How did you stout and ankle-biting men first meet up?

Self-obsessed Dwarf # 2: You are so totally naked. I'm not sure if I can keep going on with this conversation.

Marauding Interviewer: Would it help if I wore a towel while interviewing you fellows?

Self Obsessed Dwarves #2 & #3: Here, fashion one out of our unitards. [They disrobe, tie unitards in a knot, and hand the product over to Marauding Interviewer]

Marauding Interviewer: Now, this situation is worse than it was when we started.

Self Obsessed Dwarf #3: How so?

Marauding Interviewer: You guys are ugly. Now you are naked.

Self Obsessed Dwarves 2 & 3: Does are abdomen fat mean nothing to you?

Marauding Interviewer: Never mind. I think I'm going to erase these tapes anyway.