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In This Issue

• Celebrate Our Appendix!
• Alternative Motherhood
• Gossip and Nudity: Interview with the Gossip
• Letters to the Feditors
• The Colombia Spectador
• Yowie! How the Brazilians do bikini wax
• Making Waves
• Am I Naked or Nude?
• Marauding Interviewer: Dwarves Fascinated by Own Pants
• Big Nudity Exam
• Point – Counterpoint
• ‘Is It Cold In Here?’
• News Briefs
• News Quiz: Do you know about the important events going on in your world?
• Eight Situations In Which I Am Naked
• Get Your Hands Off Me You Damn, Dirty Apes
• Naked Haikus
• Naked Horoscopes
• This is Not a Naked Santa
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 16.8

Luddites Against Napster

LAKE PLACID, NY - In a shocking move yesterday, the newly formed Luddite party, in a letter to the New York Times, voiced its opposition the Napster Music Community. In response, Napster founder Shawn Fanning said, "I was just chillin' with some friends and I got a letter telling me to keep an eye on my vacuum tubes or something. I was just like, whatever." The Luddite Party office was unavailable for comment.

Barnard Students Denied Swipe Access Because They Don't Live Here

NEW YORK, NY - The provision to allow Barnard students to have swipe access to the University's buildings was recently voted down by the student council.  When asked, one representative, under the condition of anonymity said, "I mulled the issue over for several days, thinking about the pros and cons of swipe access and its trickle down effects." The representative said the deciding factor for him was being unable to get past "the fact that they just don't live here."

Sexual Misconduct Policy Debate Extinguished

The leaders of SAFER and FIRE, Columbia's two major Sexual Misconduct Policy pressure groups, spontaneously combusted during a recent five-minute break session from Senate floor debates. "I cain't believes it," said a shocked senator. "I was taking a smoke break when my friend Lenny comes running outside and he's all 'they're on fire, they're burning, oh my God', so I runs back in and there's the sexual misconduct guys, reduced to piles of ash on the Uris rotunda!" University Chaplain Simon Hustern credits a benevolent and merciful God with the act. "God will always let us start again and mend our ways," said Hustern. "Let us hope that Columbia takes advantage of this opportunity to start some real dialogue on campus before new partisans spring up." Many undergraduates share Hustern's hopes, with 97% of polled students hoping to see a rapid decrease in the daily mass debating that has lately plagued the entire university.

Fun New Dean's Discipline Instituted

Following the demise of both SAFER and FIRE, Columbia administrators have instituted a uniform disciplinary policy for those who violate the Sexual Misconduct Policy. "We have decided to organize the entire undergraduate body into a giant spanking machine," announced Provost Cole. "We are taking the stereotypically Greek tradition of paddling," said Cole, "and appropriating it for the benefit of those who have been sexually misconducted." Cole then removed a razor-studded paddle from an ankle holster and continued: "Oh, yeah. There are some things that the police just don't need to know about."

Pope Converts to Mormonism, Gets His Sin On.

In a surprise announcement Tuesday, Pope John Paul II announced his conversion to the Mormon religion, thereby abolishing the Catholic Church after 2000 years. He stated "I was just kicking Cardinal Eagan's ass in Tekken 2 while cruisin' in the Popemobile the other day, and I start thinking 'Hey, wouldn't it be great if you could nail three chicks at once!' As you know, according to the Catholic Church I can't get no poon, so I says, 'Hey, how can I get the most sweet tang in my last few months.... I know! Mormonism!'" The Pope's decision came as a major shock to the world's largest faith whose former headquarters, Vatican City, is being airlifted to Utah. To bolster income, Pope JP Dos (as he shall now be known, 'Dos' for short) has  reinstated the tithe to pay for his burgeoning coke habit.