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In This Issue

• Celebrate Our Appendix!
• Alternative Motherhood
• Gossip and Nudity: Interview with the Gossip
• Letters to the Feditors
• The Colombia Spectador
• Yowie! How the Brazilians do bikini wax
• Making Waves
• Am I Naked or Nude?
• Marauding Interviewer: Dwarves Fascinated by Own Pants
• Big Nudity Exam
• Point – Counterpoint
• ‘Is It Cold In Here?’
• News Briefs
• News Quiz: Do you know about the important events going on in your world?
• Eight Situations In Which I Am Naked
• Get Your Hands Off Me You Damn, Dirty Apes
• Naked Haikus
• Naked Horoscopes
• This is Not a Naked Santa
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 16.8

I hate that naked buffoon on my floor

Armistice Moon Hannon

This naked bozo that lives on my floor reminds me everyday that the world is going to pot. To goddamn tacky naked Hell in a co-ed dorm hall basket! It makes me wish I had asked to live on a same-sex floor in Carman. Besides having to endure his ugly torso anytime I leave my room, he reminds me that Columbia was never the intellectual haven promised in the brochure, but an excuse to give naked fools and debased morons a chance at too much undeserved opportunity in this world. He reminds me of this as he struts around the halls, shirtless with his tighty-whiteys above his mesh basketball shorts, all day, all night, all seasons. Since he doesn't attend class or ever leave (so that he can pretend he is still in California and not NYC), he is forever pacing the halls practically and despicably naked, occasionally moving his arms to caress his nipples or his gainingly fleshy love handles. He asks for people to give them the paper they've written for him, the food he's told them to go get for him, or to sign in "the bitch downstairs" who's waiting to come up to our floor so she can fellate his ego, among other things. He is always naked because he has been designated as "good-looking" by the same dubious and insincere mechanism that allows most New York delis to proclaim they are "gourmet". His cocky naked attitude is his business awning declaring how hot he is, while his big dumb pie hole flies open to reveal that it is all false advertising and a whole lot of shameless hype. He is a goddamn fool whose only wall decoration in his room is a shrine to his (bygone) high school athletic career compiled of newspaper clippings and pictures of himself, and whose stupidity prevents him from ever having a real conversation. Optimism is okay within limits, and there are times when I believe in the inherent good within all people. But this asshole just needs to be shot.

That bitch should get over how hot she is for me and stop staring at my hips

Chad Dunfry

God, I am so hot. I mean, I'm kinda warm because I have the heat on, but I am so money. The pussies be poppin for this shit. There was that time that Barnyard chick was in here, and we made my roommate sleep with earplugs in, cause damn when they got them big titties like that I can't control myself. I'm not keeping the noise down for nobody. And then I woke up to the female riding my morning wood before I even knew I had it. It was sweet. Last night, though, this other bitch I dragged back from the 'Stend ran out cause she all of a sudden realized her boyfriend might not approve. I told her to get her stinking hole back in the room, but she didn't come back and just then that stupid cunt down the hall was going to the shower in-her Kmart robe with her hairy legs or some shit and she stared at me like I was Tupac brought back to life. Who let the dogs out, I said, and went back in my room to massage my boy to bed. That girl is hella weird. She's always staring at my chest and shit. I used to think she just wanted a piece, cause they all do, but now I think she has some fucked up lezbo man hating thing against me cause I don't play that sensitive pussy man shit with any chick. Once I called her a fucking feminist and she told me to put on a fucking shirt cause this wasn't LA and no one wanted to see my Nsync shaved chest, and then I told her to get laid and loosen up. She huffed and puffed and then took her hippie ass back to her room to read about how to burn bras, or some shit. Whatever. Bitch is jealous cause girls put it on me every night and dudes wouldn't touch her fuzzy taco for seven million dollars. Where's that Victoria's Secret catalogue? I gotta take a dump.