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In This Issue

• The Issue of Suicide
• Potential Hobo Camp or Wussy Veldt?
• Choose Your Own Fed-venture
• Letters To and From The Editor
• Thumb-Addled Troglodytes
• Ed-in-Chief Joins Staff Diaspora
• Jesus is a Crappy Dermatologist
• Action Jacksons
• News Briefs
• On Action and the Philosophy of Inaction
• Wacky Fun Whitey Meets a Bum
• Fed Bash a Spanking Success
• Point / Counterpoint: Actions and Words
• Horoscopes Will Keep You Regular
• Revenge for Your Shitty Housing Lottery Number
• Columbia Needs Real Affirmative Action
• News Quiz
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 16.9

First Year Mails Columbia ID to Starving Child in Africa, "I Gave Him 108 Meals," Says Student

CC First Year Jeff Birst was filled with a smug sense of satisfaction last week. "Because of me, there is a child in Africa right now who can eat 108 meals, provided that he can make it to John Jay Dining Hall before the end of this year." Birst urges that other First Years with excess meals do the same, "so we can all do our part to end world hunger."

Columbia Student Assailed By Doubts, Regrets Columbia

Doubts and regrets assailed (First Year, Sophomore, Junior, Senior) last Thursday. "I was just thinking to myself how time really flies, and how my college experience is almost (25%, 50%, 75%, completely) over. I mean, wow. I feel like I have wasted my (1,2,3,4) years here. Maybe I should go to grad school."

Ethnicity Celebrated

A Columbia student group recently threw an event celebrating their ethnicity. It was well attended mainly by students of the same ethnicity. One of the ethnic students commented, "Our main aim for the event was to display our rich cultural heritage to members of the Columbia community who are not of our ethnicity. I felt it was a great success."

Session Mysteriously Turns Into Porn Session

In preparation for his upcoming Art Hum final, CC Sophomore Robert Johnson began to study paintings in earnest. "Yeah, well I typed in 'Manet's nude Olympia' in the search engine, and it came up with a bunch of porn sites. I guess I forgot to put the quotes in or something, so all these HOT SEX sites came up. Well, I kind of accidentally clicked on a few of them, I don't know what I was thinking. And then, before I knew it, it was 6 am and I only had 3 hours to study for my Art Hum exam!"

Star Writer Leaving Fed Board, Newspaper Calls it Quits, says, "What's the Point?"

Hilarious star writer and Fed Editor Mark is leaving the Editorial Board after this issue of the Fed. Many remaining contributors to the newspaper are currently embattled with what to do. The new Editor-in-Chief, who is not Mark, surmised, "Perhaps we should just spend all of our budget for next year on reprinting Mark's articles. Boy, were they great." The new Managing Editor, who is also not Mark, agreed. "Yeah, man he wrote some great stuff.