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In This Issue

• The Issue of Suicide
• Potential Hobo Camp or Wussy Veldt?
• Choose Your Own Fed-venture
• Letters To and From The Editor
• Thumb-Addled Troglodytes
• Ed-in-Chief Joins Staff Diaspora
• Jesus is a Crappy Dermatologist
• Action Jacksons
• News Briefs
• On Action and the Philosophy of Inaction
• Wacky Fun Whitey Meets a Bum
• Fed Bash a Spanking Success
• Point / Counterpoint: Actions and Words
• Horoscopes Will Keep You Regular
• Revenge for Your Shitty Housing Lottery Number
• Columbia Needs Real Affirmative Action
• News Quiz
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 16.9

The term "Action Jackson" was originally coined from a 1970s toy action figure that rivaled GI Joe. What with his streetsmart looks and snappy parachute, this Jackson certainly knew what action looked like. However, the makers of Action Jackson were neither the first nor the last to connect Action with a rhyming surname. In the spirit of the real Action Jackson, it is now time to pay tribute to some of tie greatest Action Jacksons of history starting with...

ANDREW JACKSON

Our seventh president was well known for his fiery temper. When he was thirteen, he began fighting the British in the American Revolution and was slashed across the face with a saber when he refused to polish the boot of a British officer. When he was older he got some action with Mrs. Rachel Donelson Robard, and fell in love with her. Believing that Mrs, Rotai was divorced from her husband, Jackson married her in 1791. Two yeas later, Jackson found out that Mrs. Robard's former husband had never actually filed for divorce. (What a pisser!) Gossip ensued, which Jackson quickly laid to rest by challenging the gossipers to a pistol duel. In one of these duels Jackson took a bullet in the chest before killing his opponent. And we thought the Lewinsky scandal was juicy!

STONEWALL JACKSON

Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson was definitely the strangest of the Confederate Army's generals. He was a religious zealot, yet bloodthirsty for battle. Stonewall was highly superstitious and highly weird: he liked to suck lemons during battles for luck (yeah, the Confederacy had a lot of things going against it). He received the nickname "Stonewall" during the First Battle of Manasas, when during a Union onslaught, he sat quietly on his horse, sucking a lemon, refusing to retreat. At this point, the Confederate general Bernard Bee shouted "There stands Jackson like a stone wall!" Whether General Bee meant this as a compliment or as an insinuation to the smarts of General Jackson, no one will ever know, because Bee was promptly shot and killed by Union fire after uttering his remark. (Either way, Stonewall was the most intelligent confederate general besides Lee.)

JACKSON POLLOCK

The subject matter of the academy award winning Pollock definitely displayed some action in his busy paintings. His highly controversial artwork (Is it art? Or splatter? Art? Splatter?) is highly regarded as some of the best of the twentieth century. In addition to his taste for good painting, however, Mr. Pollock also had quite a taste for booze, and he was killed in a drunk driving accident at the age of forty-four.

THE JACKSON FIVE

Oh Jermaine, Jackie. Michael, Marlon and Tito! I want you back! Five boys, Motown, thirteen albums and countless top ten hits... Oh for the days when boys knew good action from bad action! Oh for the days before plastic surgery and weird crotch grabbing episodes! Which brings us to...

MICHAEL JACKSON

Plastic surgery and weird crotch grabbing episodes. Oh, and also some fucking good music. Despite all the hoopla, the Liz Taylor friendship, the Neverland castle, the marriage to Lisa Marie, the divorce, the babies, the child molestation charges...we all still like to "Beat It." Something about this guy and his tunes is just too cool (or just too scary) for anyone to ignore - and now he gives lectures at prestigious British institutions!

JANET JACKSON

"Your smooth and shiny tastes so good against my lips, sugar/ I want you so bad I can taste your love right now baby." If that's not action I'm going to jump out of a window right now...

JESSE JACKSON

Yes, you can be a respected religious leader, run for president, and counsel President Clinton on how to handle his marital woes all while fathering an illegitimate child. But only if you're as slick as Jesse... or as slick as...

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

The star of Shaft is an incredible actor and the father of action as we know it. Anyone who gets an Oscar nomination for a supporting part in Pulp Fiction automatically wins a place in the Action Hall of Fame. And come on, he also appeared in The Red Violin!

SHIRLEY JACKSON

For all you nerds out there that are breathlessly waiting for a literary figure to appear on the Action Jackson list, here she is. In case you didn't read "The Lottery" in high school, it involves people stoning each other as a method of population control and town ritual. Cool. If you're a nerd.