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In This Issue

• The Issue of Suicide
• Potential Hobo Camp or Wussy Veldt?
• Choose Your Own Fed-venture
• Letters To and From The Editor
• Thumb-Addled Troglodytes
• Ed-in-Chief Joins Staff Diaspora
• Jesus is a Crappy Dermatologist
• Action Jacksons
• News Briefs
• On Action and the Philosophy of Inaction
• Wacky Fun Whitey Meets a Bum
• Fed Bash a Spanking Success
• Point / Counterpoint: Actions and Words
• Horoscopes Will Keep You Regular
• Revenge for Your Shitty Housing Lottery Number
• Columbia Needs Real Affirmative Action
• News Quiz
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 16.9

Designed in the 1960's, affirmative action policies teased America into dreaming of equitable educational opportunities for all citizens. Indeed, looking across our gilded campus, denizens of ethnic groups persist as the trappings of the presumed beneficence we self-consciously celebrate in our admissions brochures. But surely the bulk of these students' achievement guaranteed their admission regardless of any guilty gestures on the administration's part. Yes, like all gilded things, tearing surface of affirmative action reveals the sordid truth of the failings of such unfair practices. Have the truly disadvantaged been helped by the system? Are we any closer to achieving the dreams of a diverse educational Utopia?

Oh sure, we've got a few nonwhites on campus. There are even a few real Jive ethnic groups scattered amongst the pasty throngs that litter the Low Steps. But what's the point of offering admissions to them? They could get into Columbia on the basis of sheer merit. What about the really disadvantaged groups? Are they being represented at all in the diverse educational Utopia that we call our University system?

Fuck no! Across our campus, not a single developmentally challenged student in our presumed balanced student body! Where are the Mongoloids, drooling their way from Hamilton to Butler? With all our investment in facilities constructed to permit the physically handicapped access to our institution not a dime has been offered toward the retarded population. How much longer can we turn a blind eye to the educational needs of those with no bowel control? The dreams of true equity will remain deferred until our halls are filled with Down syndrome children, interrupting every lecture with cries of "I like hot dogs!" What fate have we in our presumed wisdom designed for the wiener children of tomorrow?

How long is simply mental ineptitude and arrested emotional maturity going to disbar our proud retarded from realizing educational promise of affirmative action? When first proposed, affirmative action claimed to open doors to all people regardless of age, race or handicap. In fact it was supposed to act as retribution for past grievances and oppression. Are we to believe we have not chastised the retarded enough by subjugating them into the small school bus and relegating them to the rubber rooms of America's schoolhouses. No one chooses their IQ, hence there should be no stigma for not being able to operate a water fountain! Yet there remains no policy assisting those with the computational skills of a police dog? How can Columbia consider itself a diverse and enlightened community while continuing to keep its doors closed to people with colostomy bags? Apparently having motor skills are now a pre-requisite for university attendance! Did I miss a board meeting, when was this decided?

Furthermore, our athletic department remains as discriminatory in its policies at the admissions board! How many five foot tall Asians play on our basketball team? Not a single obese Columbian on the swim team! Shouldn't the teams bearing our school's name similarly reflect our student community? Our football team has no gyno-americans and remains incredibly sizist. We shall not be free until 95-pound anorexics make up our offensive line. Since when should merit and aptitude guarantee anyone a place on our campus? We've designed this college to reflect all the ineptitude and mediocrity endemic to our nation and city in the name of fairness. Shall we forever remain in the Neanderthal mentality where ones personal gifts actually determine ones success in the world? As enlightened educators we should be the first to acknowledge the unfairness of saying anyone is smarter or more coordinated than an autistic four year old! Where is the Maya Angelou poem for the wheel chair bound diver with no bladder control?

Perhaps my point has gotten misplaced beneath my misdirected anger and cruel suggestions toward the developmentally challenged. For those who can see beyond my acerbity and find my reasoning I say: We are all elitists and should always apply high standards in designing our committees, academic or otherwise. This is not evil, racist, or cruel. It is human nature and just. Exclusion based on merit is what made this institution and this nation strong. Attempts at decrying the inevitable natural selection of society operate with a fallacious image of humanity and imprudent economic logic.

I do not call for the repeal of policies designed to offer need-blind, unbiased admission standards. On the contrary, they are essential in keeping Columbia strong and intellectually innovative. I merely demand that we stop purporting ourselves as some bastion of diversity and inclusion. I came here to sit on the throne of white male power and get my hands on some of it. So let us revel in our superiority and detachment from the mediocre masses, rather than feel guilty or self-conscious about our position. Either we mobilize now, or let everyone into the ivory tower we've built. I don't want to pay just to sit in some retard's piss!

ELITISTS UNITE!!!