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columbia's "shoot first, ask questions later" paper
Issue 16.9: Action
Posted: April 23, 2001

Choose Your Own Fed-venture

Our story begins on one of those rainy April nights that you never asked for. The sun was shining when you left your uptown Columbia environs, having finally garnered the courage to buy those sex toys you promised yourself. However, by the time you finally found Toys in Babeland, you were somewhere below Canal and east of the Hudson, but other than that, utterly lost.

Emphatic about not being a tourist in your own town, and generally appreciating the nice day in a Mary-Tyler-Moore, throw-your-hat-to-the-wind, you're-gonna-make-it-after-all sort of way, you decide to putz around downtown for awhile before meeting your friends for drinks back uptown that evening.

After investing in a pair of sun-glasses and other unnecessaries, you decide to take a rest and pee at the next place you find. Three hours later, you emerge from the Old Towne Tavern with three shiny new packages, a dollar eighty, and the phone number of a middle-aged man of ambiguous sexuality. Full of a self-confidence that you lacked earlier in the day, you set out looking for the 1/9 line.

Before you get to the corner, the tranquil sky breaks out into a storm of apocalyptic magnitude on your newly bespangled, mildly drunken head. The sight of the Chambers Street subway is like the Promised Land that Moses never reached. You hop on the first uptown red line you see and gladly make a sodden spot for yourself between two wide-bottomed ladies. Not until you catch yourself drooling on one miffed big miss you realize that you've been sleeping. You up in a crazed state of desperation to see if the train has taken you upstate yet. You're in luck.

 While everyone stares at you and you try to assume an air of dignity, the conductor mentions that the next stop will be 116th Street. Straightening yourself and rearranging your packages, you smoothly step off the train, side step the bum who seems to have had a few more drinks than yourself, and realize that the station looks a bit different. You step outside the turnstile and look for a sign leading to Broadway, but they all point toward Lenox.

 You stop to check the map and realize that you, being a moron, took the express to Harlem.

*If you choose to risk it and walk across town, turn to page 2
*If you decide to play it safe and go back downtown to 96th Street, turn to page 5

 

(Page 2)

You walk westward through the downpour, using the spectre of Wien Hall rising above Morningside Park as your guide. All those lighted windows, with those cozy, happy people inside, only make you feel more wretched. The wind whips through your hair, the rain blinds your eyes, and your shoes fill up with water as you plod along the darkened paths. You pull your tattered shawl more tightly about your bony shoulders, thinking back to the childhood home you left behind so many years ago.

Pausing beneath a lonely streetlight to wring out your pants, you suddenly feel a sharp object sticking into your back. "Give me all your money," the hooded figure, holding what seems to be a knife, growls, wrapping his arm around your neck in an attempted headlock.

"Oh woe is me," you think, as you empty the contents of your pockets onto the wet pavement "Could any man suffer as much as much as I?”

* If you wanna feel sorry for yourself, turn to page 6
* If you wanna get off your ass and deal with it, turn to page 4

 

(Page 4)

“Deal with It”

You step out of your time machine to find yourself in ancient Egypt – in the middle of the Pharaoh’s Court!  “Holy Thursday,” you say to yourself, “maybe Crazy Professor Gowhilicers wasn’t so crazy after all!  He should change his name or something so I wouldn’t get so thrown off.”  You are immediately awakened from your reverie by a summons from the high priest in front of you.  “Radamos,” he says to you, “you are accused of the highest treason against your country.  How do you plead?” Uh-oh!  Looks like you’re starring in a production of Aida, and you don’t know your lines!  You’ll spend your days in relative infamy as the opera star who couldn’t produce.  That’ll teach you to take this option instead of the other one.

THE END

 

(Page 5)

“Choose to Head Downtown”

You turn around and re-enter the station on the downtown side.  However, your path to the turnstiles is blocked by an angry mob of Jews for Jesus, Green Party members, and Shriners.  The ground is slick with a thick pink liquid, and grindcore music fills the air.  Not one to ask questions, you decide to make that trek across Morningside Park after all.  But wait, you really gotta pee.

* If you pee, go to page 10.
* If you walk through the park go to page 2.

 

(Page 6)

Choose: Feel Sorry for Yourself

Robbed of everything you ever owned, you sit down and weep.  You bemoan the agony of losing your fading Levis wallet, your Tamagotchi keychain, and warranty papers thereof.  And then, the lightness of your empty pockets lifts your heart to the sky.  “Wait,” you think to yourself, “this isn’t half-bad!  Actually, I rather like the prospect of having no possessions to worry about.”

Filled with an immense sense of freedom and purpose unlike anything you have ever experienced in your life, you pawn your shirt and shawl to purchase a large blue tarp; From it you fashion a smock.  You emerge barefoot from the tarp store and face down Broadway, ready for anything.  You could conceivably found a new-age school of anti-materialists, or you could suffer a nervous breakdown from the shock of dealing with our sudden lifestyle change.


* If you want to be an aesthete, scoot to page 10.
* If you can’t stand the prospect of life without Starbucks, turn to page 11.

 

(Page 10)

Choose: “OK Synergy, Showtime” – from page 5

You emerge from the restroom as Jem.  When you and the Holograms are ready, you look truly outrageous.  But before you can get started, a familiar hand touches your shoulder.  “Rio!” you say, facing the dark-haired smiling young man who means so much to both Jerrica and Jem.

“What are you doing here?” you both say at the same time and then smile.

“I just got in from the coast,” he says.  “I called your hotel room, but Aja said Jerrica was there.”

Rio announces you and you step up to the microphone.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” you say, “we are pleased to inform you that all proceeds from today’s show will go to our special charity – Starlight House for Girls.”

“Now,” you add, “Showtime!  Let’s rock ‘n’ roll.”

THE END

 

Choose: Aesthete – from page 6

Using that trust fund money you’d been hiding in a Swiss bank account all these years, you move to Vermont and found a farming collective.  Lost souls from all over the world flock to your compound to grow weed and drink kool-aid.  One day, Janet Reno comes a-knocking at your door with a search warrant.  You are martyred in the ensuing battle.

THE END

 

(Page 11)

A Nervous Breakdown

All hope is lost.  You become that homeless guy who wanders around Times Square wearing a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt and a cardboard sign that says, “THE END IS NIGH”.  You live out your days telling at tourists.

THE END