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columbia's "shoot first, ask questions later" paper
Issue 16.9: Action
Posted: April 23, 2001

Horoscopes Will Keep You Regular

Meghan Keane

Aries

In the near future, people will choose the best physical and emotional attributes for their children. This will not help your unsightly visage and mediocre intellect in any way.


Taurus

When you decided to leave school to get your head straight, you didn't realize that you would get kicked out of housing and be forced to live in your car. You also didn't realize that you would enjoy the space more than your single in Wein.


Gemini

When I see you tonight. On a downtown train. Everything, everything, it's just the same, on a downtown train.


Cancer

This semester you took on more work then ever. You thought the challenge might just inspire you to greatness. Instead, you've got a day to write two papers and a final in a class you've never gone to. Quit while you're behind. You can always re-apply to GS later.


Leo

Alright. Where are my keys?


Virgo

Luck is with you today. But asking strangers for oral sex might be pushing it


Libra

"In my dreams I vision myself at the ocean. Beautiful girls rubbin' me down with some lotion. Oh baby you know I flow real cool. Let me tell you what it's like to make love in an inner tube." My Goodness. Vanilla Ice is a wordsmith. Libra, you are lucky to have witnessed his genius.


Scorpio

Something in your life makes you a little frantic today. It could have something to do with the police chasing you down the street. If I've told once, Scorpio, I've told you a thousand times, only The Juice can get away with brutally murdering his wife.


Sagittarius

You once thought that money and fame would make you happy. Recently you have come to realize that the collection of pop culture knowledge that you have accrued will not hasten either of these things to your doorstep.


Capricorn

Next week you will thank your lucky stars when Sam Raimi chooses you for a part in his remake of Spiderman that will be filmed on campus this summer. After signing the contract, you will curse the day you were born. While your face will not appear, you're hands will have a starring role, as gooey spider mucus shoots from your meat-hook instead of the precious digits of one Tobey Maguire.


Aquarius

You often think your life analogous to Cassandra's dilemma; endowed with divine knowledge, but plagued by the disbelief of those you speak to. Maybe if you talked less shit about people, someone would care to listen.


Pisces

 In times like these, Pisces, it comes in handy to remember that the cyclical nature of fate always works its magic Those who do wrong will be punished and those wronged will be righted in time. Except in your case. You're just screwed.