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In This Issue

• The Issue of Suicide
• Potential Hobo Camp or Wussy Veldt?
• Choose Your Own Fed-venture
• Letters To and From The Editor
• Thumb-Addled Troglodytes
• Ed-in-Chief Joins Staff Diaspora
• Jesus is a Crappy Dermatologist
• Action Jacksons
• News Briefs
• On Action and the Philosophy of Inaction
• Wacky Fun Whitey Meets a Bum
• Fed Bash a Spanking Success
• Point / Counterpoint: Actions and Words
• Horoscopes Will Keep You Regular
• Revenge for Your Shitty Housing Lottery Number
• Columbia Needs Real Affirmative Action
• News Quiz
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 16.9

The votes are in! Columbia's undergraduate body has spoken on the future for Lion's Court. Known as "the tin can," "that trailer home," or "the haunted house of hip hop" to most undergrads, the Lion's Court is set for destruction before next fall. Lacking a vision for the soon-to-be-freed space, the administration sought input from only CC students on last election day's referendum.

Dean Columbo explained the limited voter pool. "We didn't bother asking SEAS students, since they never go outside. They'd probably vote to use the space for some kind of supercomputer that can fashion a woman out of silicon and lithium or something like that. And we don't have enough faith in the coordination of GS students to justify giving them pens with which to vote."

Approximately 803 students checked the box marked "What the Hell, Leave It as Grassland." This choice edged out "I'm graduating this May" by 700 votes and "Basketball is fun" by 750.

After eyeballing the tally, student body president Seth Novielli acknowledged the mandate. "Is that what the majority wants," asked Novielli as he emerged from his domicile in Butler Library. "All right, twhatever." Provost Cole then thanked Novielli for his agreeability and lifted the hold on his registration.

Members of the community were outraged, however. "Totally not fair," said a customer at Mike's Papaya. "I want that space to have some meaning, you know? Like it means something to the community?" According to information leaked by the Office of Student Affairs, the plans to create an open field "will accordingly be scrapped for the creation of an undeveloped grassland called Wussy Veldt. Wussy Veldt's vast emptiness shall stand as a testament to this University's awareness regarding non-Greek influences on architecture. In deference to our 'sister grassland' in Africa after which Wussy Veldt is named, Columbia will import a pygmy elephant and let it roam wild and free within the confines of the open faux-plain."

This modified plan arrived to much support from the Rugby community, which "looks forward to tearing the shit out of a different lawn next year," according to a spokesman.

This solution comes at the heels of last week's failed coup attempt to throw the LLC out of Hartley-Wallach; As one protester remarked, "I never asked to live and learn with that pot-smoking slob who lives next door! If the LLC is so important to some certain part of Columbia students, then let's give them a real tight-knit community. Take that Lion's Court rectangle and put up an LLC hobo camp. There's plenty of space. They can have all the damned pizza parties they want. Geez. I just wanted a single."