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In This Issue
- The Issue of Suicide
- Potential Hobo Camp or Wussy Veldt?
- Choose Your Own Fed-venture
- Letters To and From The Editor
- Thumb-Addled Troglodytes
- Ed-in-Chief Joins Staff Diaspora
- Jesus is a Crappy Dermatologist
- Action Jacksons
- News Briefs
- On Action and the Philosophy of Inaction
- Wacky Fun Whitey Meets a Bum
- Fed Bash a Spanking Success
- Point / Counterpoint: Actions and Words
- Horoscopes Will Keep You Regular
- Revenge for Your Shitty Housing Lottery Number
- Columbia Needs Real Affirmative Action
- News Quiz
- THEY Watch
- The Staff of 16.9
News Quiz
At long last! We withhold it no longer!
Jessica Hindman
1. The Crew of the US Navy spy plane reports that the Chinese interceptor pilot Wang Wei once flew so close to the US spy plane they could read the writing on the bits of paper he held up to his window. What did these bits of paper say?
A. "Dude - you're totally busted"
B. Wei's email address
C. "Are you guys lost? You must have forgot to take that right at the last hemisphere."
D. "Have you guys seen Footloose? Can you have one of your chicks climb in through the window of our plane?"
E. "Check out my band Zero Population Growth at www.zpg.ch.com!"
2. At this week's Ferris Reel production of Snatch, Ferris Reel president Avery Kastin told the crowd that he received a letter from a Columbia administrator. What did this letter accuse the Ferris Reel Film Society of doing?
A. Passing out LSD at the "Dark Side of Oz" viewing
B. Putting stickers on auditorium seats symbolizing the time students took over the movie theater
C. Using the dirty word "Snatch" on their movie promotion posters for no good reason
D. Encouraging dating among the student body
3. In a really scary example of how old people become desperate and silly as they age (even when they're famous), Marlon Brando has just signed a contract to:
A. Star in A Streetcar Named Temptation, a new reality show that takes place on the NYC subway
B. Teach Modern Poetry at Columbia
C. Play the character Nathan Detroit in the new musical Really Old Guys and Dolls
D. Appear in the upcoming film Scary Movie 2
E. Challenge the Guinness record for Most Cheese Dogs Consumed in Ten Seconds
4. In the last three weeks George W. Bush has:
A. Proposed to end salmonella testing on meat used in school lunches
B. Ended a regulation that tested for arsenic in drinking water
C. Been really fucking annoying
D. All of the above
5. I stole the idea of a News Quiz from:
A. Time Magazine
B. Your Mom
C. The Roving Reporter section of the Spectator (Sample interview: Q. How do you feel about John Ashcroft? A. I think he's one of the greatest poets of the 20th century. Q. No, John Ashcroft A. Who?)
D. Fox Five News at Ten (What are your chances of someone kidnapping you while you're asleep, stealing your bone marrow, and selling it to a paint factory? Take our ten question quiz to find out how much you or a loved one could be at risk! This could effect you!)
ANSWERS: 1.B 2.C 3.D 4.D 5.A