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In This Issue

• The Issue of Suicide
• Potential Hobo Camp or Wussy Veldt?
• Choose Your Own Fed-venture
• Letters To and From The Editor
• Thumb-Addled Troglodytes
• Ed-in-Chief Joins Staff Diaspora
• Jesus is a Crappy Dermatologist
• Action Jacksons
• News Briefs
• On Action and the Philosophy of Inaction
• Wacky Fun Whitey Meets a Bum
• Fed Bash a Spanking Success
• Point / Counterpoint: Actions and Words
• Horoscopes Will Keep You Regular
• Revenge for Your Shitty Housing Lottery Number
• Columbia Needs Real Affirmative Action
• News Quiz
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 16.9

Who are They? They are Them, the Them of They, that which makes all other Theys possible.  The Uber-They.  They are in everything, watching all.  They have even started leaving me little notes in the Fed office.  They are truly cunning and clandestine.  But we are watching.  We are They Watch, your last hope for survival, your only defense against the Great Conspiracy.  Rest easy in your fluffy beds made from the carcasses of Easter Peeps, because we are here, doing the dirty work for you.

1. The only contraption that stands ahead of Lerner Hall as the ugliest building on campus, and like those loveable Take Back the Night scamps, it's not going away.  Let's all get down and boogie in the Admissions Department's new home, because no matter what you voted to be put in its place, you still lose.  That swing space just won't stop swinging.  The Lion's Court = They.

2. Damn you, you mystery virus.  You stole my hero, yet I still have no idea exactly what you are.  For that, ye shall never be forgiven.  Give me back Joey Ramone, or Conjunctivitis gets it.  Lymphoma = They.

3. Hoo-wha, what a party!  But just when it's getting good, and we're all about to get a spanking, some incompetent Barnard bitch has to go and get trapped in the package room corridor.  Thanks for ruining our fun. Next time, read the signs.  People Who Set Off Fire Alarms Because of Ineptitude = They.

4. Jive Turkeys = They.

5. You've watched fervently now for four years, cataloging who and what equal They.  Little did you know the sad fate that awaited you all along. Once you leave the cushy enclave that is collegiate life, you become part of the Machine.  Ah, the irony.  Muwhahaha ha.  College Graduates = They.