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In This Issue

• I'm the Man in the Glass Box
• A Beginner's Guide to Smoking Cigarettes
• The Epic Drunken Email
• Letter From Some Dude
• 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Barnard Girl
• The Cold, Harsh Reality that is SEAS
• Fun With Freshman Housing
• F.E.D.S. vs. The Fed
• First Year Friendships
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Shop
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Drink
• A Campus Club Wish List
• How to Win Friends and Alienate Your Parents
• Legalized Speed a Huge Hit in NYC
• Fed / Counterfed
• GLAAD vs. Kevin Smith
• Horoscopes
• News Briefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.1

Step One: Choose an Identity

Everyone needs to be someone, right? Well girls, remember when Mom used to tell you that you could be anything you wanted to be? Forget about that drivel. You’ve only got a limited number of choices at 117th and Broadway.

You may have encountered the first option when your friends at home found out that Barnard accepted you: "What are you, a lesbo?" Perhaps you should choose to proudly answer "yes". This would make things much easier. For example, you wouldn’t have to go through a lengthy explanation of why you went to a women’s college. Another bonus is simply that at a single-sex school, it’s just so much less complex to meet girls. They’re everywhere!

Maybe you’ll even turn into one of those lesbians who never has a girlfriend, and is gay not so much because you’re attracted to females, but because you really fucking hate dick. Then you’ll fit right in at Barnard! Maybe carpet-munching’s not the life for you. Your rich parents sent you to a College with a good name, and you’re not going to do them wrong. You want to study hard, never allow boys to be a distraction, keep getting that nice allowance so you can always shop at Abercrombie, and one day get a good job at Daddy’s company when you graduate. Barnard has its fair share of preppy conservative rich girls, so you’ll have plenty of company. And possibly, once in a while, just for some good innocent fun, you and your friends could drop the books and take an afternoon off to be a little wild at an anti-Hillary rally.

Then there are those of you reading this article right now and protesting, "I can’t be categorized! I’m an individual!" There is a place for you, my friend: the artsy crowd. As long as you’re ’alternative’ and insist that you are your own person, you’re in. There are some very simple guidelines. Piercing: popular. Self-made or -torn clothes: popular. Smoking (cigarettes, cloves, crack, weed): popular. Being unpopular: popular.

But the most prominent and most revered identity is that of the slut. Barnard’s whores are of a fine breed--they’re full of school pride, have an exceptional sense of history, and are good at their jobs. After all, a Barnard slut is just upholding the ancient tradition of "Barnard to bed, Columbia to wed!" These ho’s won’t let us forget our school’s heritage, and thanks to them, all the guys in Morningside Heights know where to get a great blow. So great, in fact, that years ago Barnard had a financially successful escort service. In the time since the City of New York shut down Barnard Escort Agency, our more dedicated whores have been forced to carry on the tradition underground, honoring their foremothers and improving their skills without monetary compensation.

Step Two: Embrace Feminism

At a women’s college you will become a feminist whether you like it or not. We know it’s not cool, and we know it ain’t hip, but it’s part of the Barnard experience. It might begin with you becoming more and more irritated at the phrase "barn yard," even when used in the appropriate context. It’s been known to get so bad that girls have slapped children for singing "The Barnyard Boogie." But even after the child abuse suit, you’ll still insist you’re not a feminist, even though you give the evil eye to guys who offer to open your doors and you punch anyone who refers to women as "chicks." Soon enough, you’ll find yourself repeating the phrase "it’s not a girls school, it’s a Women’s College," under your breath, and saying things in arguments like, "I’m not a man-hater, I just can’t understand why a woman can’t be President!" And it’s all downhill from there.

Step Three: Find your sexual extreme

It’s possible this has already been decided for you during Step One. If you’re a slut or a lesbian, ass-getting is guaranteed. Congratulations! Bet let’s face it: at a women’s college, if you don’t fall into either of those two categories, you have to put a lot of effort into getting out and meeting guys. So some simply don’t. These girls sit with their friends and talk about what a dental dam is for and how exactly you ask someone to use it "just in case." You might find yourself an action-less virgin, doomed to wander the monthly Well Woman events, collecting handfuls of free condoms just to keep up appearances, and insist on studying in the crowded Columbia libraries during finals in hopes of catching the eye of someone with a penis.

Step Four: Accept Socially Unacceptable Behavior

It’s a well-known fact that women talk too much. Without the strong balancing force of men to restrain them, girls will just go on and on about anything on their feeble little minds. Suddenly, you’ll find yourself talking for a whole hour about the advantages of Tampax over O.B. Menstrual cramps will come up in conversation all too often, your breast size and sensitivity will become common knowledge, and spit vs. swallow will be frequently argued, especially by the unlucky prudes mentioned in Step Three. You will soon forget that publicly discussing such subjects outside of the Barnard quad is entirely socially unacceptable. If a man were in the room with you, would you dare to even say some of those words? In an all-woman environment, there are no decision making men around to guide our helpless intellects in what is and is not appropriate. All too often, this mistake will cost you friends and possible mates across the street (as well as in the rest of the real world).

Step Five: Learn To Fit In With Columbia

There comes a certain time when you get used to the attitudes Columbia kids have towards Barnard. Columbia Carl: "What? You don’t wanna suck my dick? Oh, I see. You swing the other way." Columbia Cathy: "That’s ok, Carl – I’m sure she has horrible diseases anyway. Why don’t you come home with a decent, clean Columbia girl tonight?" They tend to label us with crazy stereotypes that many indignant Barnard girls claim are unjustified: "There are no whores on this side of Broadway," or, "just ’cause I go to a women’s school don’t mean I’m a lesbian femi-Nazi." Sometimes, it may be best simply not to let on that you are a Barnard girl, in order to avoid the territorial stares of Columbia females and exposed genitalia of Columbia men. Wear Columbia sweatshirts. Always have taxis drop you off at Carman. Dump the Barnard meal plan and pay to eat at John Jay all the time. Because, though Barnard girls are generally secure in their limited identities (see Step One), Columbia can’t accept us. Columbia girls are simply jealous of our sexual prowess, and Columbia men... well, isn’t that enough? They’re men!