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In This Issue

• I'm the Man in the Glass Box
• A Beginner's Guide to Smoking Cigarettes
• The Epic Drunken Email
• Letter From Some Dude
• 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Barnard Girl
• The Cold, Harsh Reality that is SEAS
• Fun With Freshman Housing
• F.E.D.S. vs. The Fed
• First Year Friendships
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Shop
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Drink
• A Campus Club Wish List
• How to Win Friends and Alienate Your Parents
• Legalized Speed a Huge Hit in NYC
• Fed / Counterfed
• GLAAD vs. Kevin Smith
• Horoscopes
• News Briefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.1

Caffeine pills are being given a run for their money these days, ever since Red Bull hit America. Red Bull, for those who have not yet tried it, is a beverage designed to keep people awake and give them more energy. The drink, which was first marketed in Europe in the late '80s, has recently become a cult pick-me-up of choice for test-takers and paper-writers on college campuses such as Columbia's. (Take a look around campus and you're bound to see people sporting Red Bull t-shirts to show their support.) The "Drink That Gives You Wings" seems to be an excellent way to keep tired eyes open.

Red Bull is certainly not the first liquid late-night companion, though perhaps it mixes better with Vodka than any of its predecessors. Students remember fondly the days when they had to walk two miles through snowdrifts, uphill both ways, just for a bottle of the now-forsaken Jolt Cola. Chasing after Jolt (which tasted like a Coke with only the syrup left in it and twice the caffeine) came Surge, another campus standard. If neither of those were in stock, there was always Mountain Dew. Students will swallow anything to stay awake.

In the flavor department, Red Bull is usually found to be seriously lacking. "It tastes like lemon-flavored urine" one student complained, though one junkie argued, "it's more of an acquired taste." It doesn't help that rumors are being circulated that one of the energy-inducing secret ingredients comes from bull's testicles. The Red Bull website (www.redbull.com) is quick to insist, "Taurine [the suspected ingredient] is an amino acid found in the human body. It is produced synthetically for Red Bull."

Another rumor that is debunked on the website is the notion that the hyperjuice is addictive. In fact, Dr. Haller, a neurologist who specializes in drugs (or so the website claims), stated, "It is proven: Red Bull contains no addictive substances and is therefore not an entry-level drug to hard drugs." Also, it supposedly contains no more caffeine than one filtered cup of coffee.

Red Bull is only one of many new drinks to hit America, New York, and of course Ferris Booth Commons. In fact, Newsweek recently wrote an article about all of the Red Bull imitators that have sprung up. But not all of these new thirst quenchers are marketed for their adrenaline.

Fruitopia has pretty much disappeared from the shelves (perhaps indicating that crunchy '60s nostalgia is quickly making way for chemically enhanced '80s nostalgia?). There is still no shortage of fruity beverages, but people certainly aren't gushing about Fresh Samantha the way they used to. Instead, if consumption at Columbia is any indication, a frighteningly simple concept has captured our taste buds and wallets... Vitamin Water.

On the web page for this new "Water +" (www.glaceau.com), there is an unfinished site bearing the scrolling assertion: "The water you drink should provide superior hydration and nutrition and taste better than any other water out there." Pretty lofty goals for a bottle of H2O. Simply offering a cool refreshing beverage free of chemicals and pollutants just doesn't seem to cut it anymore. Watch your back, Evian.

Vitamin Water comes in a variety of flavors, each with a separate targeted goal. Labels boast such concepts as "essential," "focus," rescue," and "revive." The taste? Basically like water, with a hint of whatever flavor is printed on the label. In fact, the ghostly tang is almost disturbing.

It's hard to guess which drinks will fade into obscurity with Crystal Pepsi and which will become the next Sprite. But it's reassuring to know that simply quenching thirst is not enough for us anymore. Besides, once we dismissed tap water as not good enough, it was only a matter of time before non-enhanced beverages were forced to step aside. Who knows, perhaps Red Bull will be flowing from our faucets someday?