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In This Issue

• I'm the Man in the Glass Box
• A Beginner's Guide to Smoking Cigarettes
• The Epic Drunken Email
• Letter From Some Dude
• 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Barnard Girl
• The Cold, Harsh Reality that is SEAS
• Fun With Freshman Housing
• F.E.D.S. vs. The Fed
• First Year Friendships
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Shop
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Drink
• A Campus Club Wish List
• How to Win Friends and Alienate Your Parents
• Legalized Speed a Huge Hit in NYC
• Fed / Counterfed
• GLAAD vs. Kevin Smith
• Horoscopes
• News Briefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.1

Just to clear things up, in case anybody was confused: The Fed, Columbia's Other Newspaper, has nothing to do with F.E.D.S., or Finally Every Dimension of the Streets, magazine, except for the fact that we fully endorse our sibling publication and can only wish we were half as illin as they be. This quarterly glossy covers convicted hustlers/ street thugs/ fashion/ sports / music/ film/ etc." and is extremely popular in the underground. It is available at the newsstand across from Tomo on Broadway between 110th and 11 lth, and we encourage all of our readers to pick up multiple copies.

Things The Fed and F.E.D.S. have in common:

• We don't really know how to copy edit or lay out.
• We can't spell very well.
• We have interviews with people who aren't famous.
• We gossip about famous people.
• We are at war with The Man.
• We use bad words.

Things The Fed and F.E.D.S. sort of have in common:

• They've been written about in the New York Times, Rolling Stone (who named them "Hot Magazine" in the 1999 Hot List), the Source (who called them "the new Street Bible") and the German magazine Speigal.
• We were compared to toilet paper by the Columbia Spectator.
• They've got interviews with porn stars and prison inmates.
• We have future porn stars and prison inmates on our staff.
• They have a column called "The Irate Investor" which deals with money issues.
• We printed a Money Issue.
• They have exclusive photos of Mary J. Blige.
• We have exclusive photos of Barnard President Judith Shapiro in bondage wear.
• They have ads for Slip 'n' Slide condoms and Dead Prez albums.
• We have ads for Am Caf drink specials and Rut Row shows.

Things The Fed and F.E.D.S. don't have in common:

• They're empowered black activists who speak truth to power.
• We're hoping no one will sue us for plagiarism.