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columbia's other newspaper
Issue 17.1: Orientation
Posted: September 1, 2001

Horoscopes

Because that Jamaican lady's psychic hotline is such a fraud

Meghan Keane

Katie O'Shea
Hot damn! Summer in the city!

Virgo

Don't waste time and energy trying to explain what you're doing or why you're doing it. If people start getting suspicious, tell them your roommate went on a long trip with friends to Guatemala. There his/her demise could surely come from some natural disaster. Look forlorn.

Libra

You may not make up your mind as fast as some, but when you do decided on a course of action, you go all the way. Some might say too far, but I think a line of tape dividing your room, bathroom and belongings in half is just the thing to deter your roommate from touching your stuff.

Scorpio

Rarely have you been as adventurous as in these, your first days as a NYC resident. But be careful not to wander too far above 125th St. or below 110th, where no freshman has gone before.

Sagittarius

There are good days, there are great days, and there are days like today when you can do no wrong. I'm not giving you rights to rape and pillage, but a little mockery of the less fortunate never hurt anyone.

Capricorn

Generally speaking, you like to know what's coming next and plan ahead, but that's a lot of pressure, Capricorn. What if I'm wrong? I mean, I'm not usually, but what if I crack under the pressure? I never claimed to be anything more than a pseudo-scientist, and you're freaking me out man. No horoscope for you. One month.

Aquarius

Some day, when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, Aquarius. And the way you look. Tonight.

Pisces

You've sure been having a great time lately, haven't you? Well, it was fun while it lasted, but the stars have better things to do than worry over your petty dilemmas. Sony, pal, looks like peanut butter and ramen in your future.

Aries

Sometimes I find it most rewarding to use an analogy to explain the future. Think of the coming month like this! The grass is always greener where there's grass. You live in a cement block. Get the picture?

Taurus

The great plans you had for your love life will begin to fade this month as you realize that the Union across the street is a seminary, not a semenary. Sorry, Taurus.

Gemini

You'll have to deal with some rather sharp people here in the Big Apple. They won't hesitate to take advantage of you if they think they can get away with it. Try to shut your mouth once in awhile and stop drooling.

Cancer

Do you trust what other people tell you or do you listen only to your inner voice? Considering that your inner voice is the part of you that knows all and sees all, there can be only one answer, but today, at least, could you listen to me? Believe it or not, I put some work into this crap. That's better. So there's a chance you might have a good day, Cancer.

Leo

For once could it not be about you, Gemini? Virgo is about to land his/herself in jail, and I'm not having the best of month's either.

Virgo

Shit, Virgo, I would have liked to break the news to you a different way, but Leo just really gets under my skin sometimes. Besides, did you really think you'd get away with it? Your room is really starting to stink.

If Today is your Birthday

Sometimes it just seems like the odds are stocked up against you, doesn't it? Just as you're about to say your piece, your emotions start to swell inside you, making conversation difficult. Maybe if you weren't such a crybaby, things would work out every once in awhile. The stars just don't get you.