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In This Issue

• I'm the Man in the Glass Box
• A Beginner's Guide to Smoking Cigarettes
• The Epic Drunken Email
• Letter From Some Dude
• 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Barnard Girl
• The Cold, Harsh Reality that is SEAS
• Fun With Freshman Housing
• F.E.D.S. vs. The Fed
• First Year Friendships
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Shop
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Drink
• A Campus Club Wish List
• How to Win Friends and Alienate Your Parents
• Legalized Speed a Huge Hit in NYC
• Fed / Counterfed
• GLAAD vs. Kevin Smith
• Horoscopes
• News Briefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.1

Parents Relieved to See White People

The middle-aged suburban parents of Melanie Applebaum '05 were relieved to see white people talking around the Morningside Heights area while helping their daughter move into her room in John Jay. "You know; we were kind of worried about our baby moving to New York City, so close to Harlem, where, you know, nonwhite people live," whispered her mother. The parents had veiled their fears of their daughter living so close to ethnically-enabled people, but were clearly relieved when they saw Morningside Heights for themselves, "Look at all the nice people walking around, it's such a nice little area," stated her parents.

10% of COOP Participants Mysteriously Vanish

The Annual New Student Orientation COOP, a three day camping and hiking trip, concluded Monday with barely any tragedy to speak of. According to COOP leader Erica Cartwright (CC '03) the survival rate for this year's excursion was a healthy 90%, up from last year's 82%. Only 10% of the freshmen attending failed to return, "which is great," said Cartwright. because that's exactly what our insurance policy covers." The cause of death of the 10% has been kept a mystery. The only clue is to the students' demise comes in a quote from Benedict Kirkland (SEAS '02): "We were up on the mountain on for more than 48 hours, for chrissakes. If weren't for those brave souls, the rest of us might not have survived."  Those who have been partially eaten on the trip are encouraged to visit Columbia Psychological Services or the Chaplain's office for counseling and support.

Pseudo-Liberal Neo-Activist Cultural Elitist Wonders If She'll Fit In

First year Penelope Smith gave voice to some of her doubts of fitting in today, unaware that she is exactly like a significant portion of the undergraduate population. "I don't know," said the Nebraska native, "I really love foreign films, and I'm really interested in theater and catching some of the museums around here. I hope there are other people like me here at Columbia."

Senior Attempts to Telepathically Explode First-Year

By repeating the mantra "Die, Die, Die," throughout his Art Hum class, CC Senior Raymond Schwartz hoped that the annoying first year who sits on the first row would spontaneously combust. The class as a whole agrees that the first year makes the most obvious and painful comments in class discussions. "What's worse," stated Schwartz, "is that the professor never says anything to make him shut up, which is why I have resorted to tins final and drastic measure. The only way this class will become tolerable is if that kid explodes in the middle of one of his endless dumb ass comments."