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In This Issue

• I'm the Man in the Glass Box
• A Beginner's Guide to Smoking Cigarettes
• The Epic Drunken Email
• Letter From Some Dude
• 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Barnard Girl
• The Cold, Harsh Reality that is SEAS
• Fun With Freshman Housing
• F.E.D.S. vs. The Fed
• First Year Friendships
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Shop
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Drink
• A Campus Club Wish List
• How to Win Friends and Alienate Your Parents
• Legalized Speed a Huge Hit in NYC
• Fed / Counterfed
• GLAAD vs. Kevin Smith
• Horoscopes
• News Briefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.1

College is not just a party

Your mom

I know what all the kids say about college nowadays. Don't think I don't pay attention to the media, I know you're too smart to get involved with a bad crowd. College is a scary place. You're really going to have to buckle down, It's not like high school. The Ivy League is tough. And your dad and I won't be around to help with your homework.

But just because we won't be there, don't think you can slack off. College classes are tough. And the teacher's aren't going to be lenient like in high school. If you're late, or miss more than three classes, you fail. And I can't write a note like that time you had strep throat last year.

The dorms should be an interesting experience for you too. I was worried about boys and girls living together, but I spoke with a campus representative who told me they don't let any funny business go on. And I know some kids can be messy, but the maid comes to clean your bathroom once a week.

And the Resident Assistants are always there if you need them, They sponser pizza parties and study groups once a week so you can get to know the people you live with while geting some work done.

I know that there are going to be things available to you at school, and if you want to see what beer tastes like, I understand. But don't go crazy. Most importantly, remember that I love you.

And I trust you.

College is one big party

That guy who went to community college last year

Dude. College is awesome. It's like one big party. No parents. No curfew. Chicks and drugs everywhere. What more could you ask for?

It's like vacation all the time. Classes are cake. My first class of the week was Tuesday at one. I remember this one time, we had this rager Sunday night. I fell in the lake around three and passed out face down in the grass. I woke up to some dog licking my ass. When I got back to the dorms, it was noon on Tuesday. I was like, no way am I going to class. I only went back for the final. My roomate Mike was in the class, so I gave him some weed for notes and shit. Got an A-.

And living in the dorms is great. You don't every have to leave. There are hunnies everywhere. And you can smoke one big party and drink right at home. Mike and I had this huge closet. I spent all my money by January. So I was like, Dude, let's put that closet to some use. So I got the frame from my bed, and put it up on the wall. And we put all our clothes in there. Then we started growing mushrooms. We made so much money off that shit. But one time, Mike and I were stoned out of our gourds. Mike takes a hit from the gravity bong and there's a knock on the door. It's our fucking ke's throwing shit in the closet. Spraying carpet fresh everywhere. I'm playing it cool, and I'm like "What's up Gina?" And she says to me, no joke: I'm having a party tonight, do you think I could get some shrooms?" I'm like, shi-it. I swear, Mike almost peed himself... Um, what were we talking about?