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In This Issue

• I'm the Man in the Glass Box
• A Beginner's Guide to Smoking Cigarettes
• The Epic Drunken Email
• Letter From Some Dude
• 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Barnard Girl
• The Cold, Harsh Reality that is SEAS
• Fun With Freshman Housing
• F.E.D.S. vs. The Fed
• First Year Friendships
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Shop
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Drink
• A Campus Club Wish List
• How to Win Friends and Alienate Your Parents
• Legalized Speed a Huge Hit in NYC
• Fed / Counterfed
• GLAAD vs. Kevin Smith
• Horoscopes
• News Briefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.1

1) Lerner Hall:

To enter Alfred Lerner Hall, you must have swipe access. I'm sorry. Your card does not currently have swipe access into this building. If you feel this is an error, please fill out form LD6-572, and return it, signed in triplicate with the requisite blood and urine samples, to the seventh floor of Alfred Lerner Hall. To enter Alfred Lerner Hall, you must have swipe access. I'm sorry. Your card does not...

2) Kent Hall:

Registrar, Student Financial Services, ID Center: Every other Tuesday from noon to six: free hugs!

3) Low Library:

Find your way to the upper terrace area just below the life-giving teat of a dome. Along the catwalk, you will find a large plastic enveloped taped to the wall. In it you will find a loaded .45 and further instructions. We will contact you when necessary.

4) Philosophy Hall:

Just in front of the building is a replica of Rodin's the Thinker. It sits where one of the nine original casts of the statue once sat. Then Columbia decided to go and advertise that it had a priceless sculpture out in the open. How the flick long do you think that lasted? Jeez.

5) John Jay Hall:

If you live on the ninth floor, duck.

6) The West End:

This is where you will waste your undergraduate days, meet your future spouse, and piss away any chance you had at that graduate school fellowship. Cheers!

7) Butler Library:

Stacks, Level 9: Both where the Fed lost its virginity AND where it goes to cry.

8) Pupin:

Birthplace of the FM Radio, the laser, the Manhattan Project, and that part of the microwave that spins round and round. In the secret basement labs, top scientists are hard at work creating a breed of super-beings that will roam the subways and feed off the streetwalkers of Gotham. Love the C.H.U.D.*; respect the C.H.U.D.; fear the C.H.U.D.

9) Alma Mater:

Find the owl carved into her robes. This is where to put the pipe bomb.

10) NYU:

Inquire within regarding modern dating solutions.

11) Yale:

Run, as fast as you can. Get out! It's too late for us, save yourself!

* Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller: a vile and feared sub-human race that has terrorized New York City since the early 80's. For more information, visit your local library, or visit www.chud.com.