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In This Issue

• I'm the Man in the Glass Box
• A Beginner's Guide to Smoking Cigarettes
• The Epic Drunken Email
• Letter From Some Dude
• 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Barnard Girl
• The Cold, Harsh Reality that is SEAS
• Fun With Freshman Housing
• F.E.D.S. vs. The Fed
• First Year Friendships
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Shop
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Drink
• A Campus Club Wish List
• How to Win Friends and Alienate Your Parents
• Legalized Speed a Huge Hit in NYC
• Fed / Counterfed
• GLAAD vs. Kevin Smith
• Horoscopes
• News Briefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.1

The West End

Broadway between 113th and 114th

You've heard about this place. You've seen this place. You've maybe even considered going to this place, and you'll probably end up here because it's within stumbling distance of your dorm. That's about all the 'Stend has going for it. It's loud, obnoxious and smoky beyond belief. The music is horrible and the drinks are watered down because they know you're a freshman. Contrary to popular belief amongst CU frosh guys, no, you will not get laid by trying to pick up chicks at the West End.

Amsterdam Cafe

Amsterdam Avenue between 119th and 120th

Also known as "AmCaf (and don't call it anything else), this place has great pitcher specials. We're talking a pitcher of Beck's for $6 on the right night--if you can flag a waiter. These folks are good about large groups and aren't ID Nazis (though you will need one), but the service does, unfortunately, leave something to be desired. Something like a waiter who remembers that you ordered another pitcher.

Night Cafe

106th and Amsterdam

Popular with the upperclassmen, Night Cafe is one of those places that's friendly in an overbearing sort of way. It's loud, but from conversation just as much as music. You're better off going as a group than by yourself Girls, be sure to bring a guy along who's willing to say he's your boyfriend- he might come in handy.

The Heights

Broadway between 111th and 112th

According to Zagat's, this is one of our better neighborhood bars. They could potentially be right, if you're looking for a place that's altogether too small. Don't be surprised if you find yourself standing next to thirty of your closest friends you've never met. But the drinks are strong, and it's well ventilated, so if there's someone in your clan you know will crab about cigarette smoke, perhaps you should take them here.

1020

110th and Amsterdam Avenue

The place's address is its name. Lame, huh? Even lamer, they have bouncers that only Giuliani could love. They'll examine your card, flip it over, annoy you, and probably reject you. If you get inside, you probably won't understand what the fuss was about. I didn't. And aren't there supposed to be "artsy" Columbians here? I only seem to recall faux artsy Columbians.

Saints

109th and Amsterdam Avenue

Where there is a college, there is a gay bar. Thus, Saints. If you're gay and can't stand the scene in Chelsea, you just might like this place. It's not overly cruisy and the bartenders are sociable, but beware strange men who prey on Columbia boys. For girls, they have Ladies' Night every Thursday, with $2 drinks. Put on your best flannel and go. Oh, and to those of you who are into that whole opposite-gender thing, Saints is rather straight-friendly. Show up for karaoke on Wednesdays and sing a show tune with the gay boys. You know you want to.

What Bar

109th and Amsterdam Avenue

As you've probably noticed by now, there's this knot of bars on Amsterdam Ave. This is another one. And it's wretched. It's run by a quartet of former Yale students. If you want to be reminded why you went to Columbia and not that school in Connecticut, pay this place a visit. With its practically government-work green interior and Columbia-hating bartenders, it's everything you could ever hate about a bar all rolled into one place. How fun.

Cannon's

Broadway between 107th and 108th

For some strange reason, this is where our dear Lions congregate. (Perhaps because they can have it all to themselves.) If you've got jock friends, go party with them here. If you don't have jock friends, avoid this place like the plague.

Abbey Pub

105th between Broadway and Amsterdam

Got a herd of people and want a place where you'll definitely get a seat? Hit the Abbey. It's a great place to go with a big group of friends and hang out before-everyone goes home. It's also a poor place to Start a night of bar hopping, as it tends to be a little dead. But hey, they've got a pretty cool jukebox.

SoHa

109th and Amsterdam Avenue

Some places look sketchy, some places smell sketchy, and some places just are sketchy. This usually falls under number one, occasionally number 2, and rarely number 3. Like most places in Morningside, SoHa sucks early in the evening, but it's not too bad around midnight. Tip well to ensure strong drinks, dance if you like, but this is a vastly different crowd than the other bars. Be prepared to fend off locals. Or take one home, whichever you prefer. Bring a mining helmet. The owner's allergic to light.

OK, kids, I can't do everything. Do your homework. Check these places out, fall off some stools. While you're at it, go to the other bars in the area I haven't mentioned, and find out why. Perhaps there's some little gem I'm hoarding all to myself Or maybe I'm making a good bar out to be horrible for some reason. You have four years to complete your assignment. I expect an exhaustive report.