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In This Issue

• I'm the Man in the Glass Box
• A Beginner's Guide to Smoking Cigarettes
• The Epic Drunken Email
• Letter From Some Dude
• 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Barnard Girl
• The Cold, Harsh Reality that is SEAS
• Fun With Freshman Housing
• F.E.D.S. vs. The Fed
• First Year Friendships
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Shop
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Where to Drink
• A Campus Club Wish List
• How to Win Friends and Alienate Your Parents
• Legalized Speed a Huge Hit in NYC
• Fed / Counterfed
• GLAAD vs. Kevin Smith
• Horoscopes
• News Briefs
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.1

Drug stores

You've got the basics, food and alcohol, covered.  Chances are you're gonna need something from a drug store.  Duane Reade (111th and B'way) is the closest to campus of our two neighborhood apothecaries (Rite Aid [110th and B'way] is the other).  Sure, DR is a bit smaller than da Aid, but all that really amounts to is that it sells fewer plastic beach toys, electronic equipment and snack foods.  In all the important areas, like sexual lubricants, laundry detergent and hair care products, they both offer pretty much the same selection.

Groceries

Relying solely on the John Jay dining hall for your nutritional intake is not a practice endorsed by The Fed (although we do encourage as much pocket-stuffing and meal-stealing as possible.)  Both University Food Market (B'way and 115th) and West Side Market (B'way and 110th) offer much cheaper alternatives to meal plans and eating out (IN A RESTAURANT, YOU SICK FUCK) and are very close to campus.  West Side, the larger of the two, tends to have fresher produce and a bigger selection of prepared foods, but UFM has better fish and better hoagies.  Yes, they both sell ramen noodles.

Books

You kind of need them, if only to use the receipts to convince your parents that you're actually in school and not blowing their tuition money on stuffed animal fetish-wear.  Texts for most classes can be found at CU Bookstore (owned and operated by Starbucks -- I mean Barnes and Noble.  The University is operated by Starbucks) in the basement of Lerner, but sometimes a professor will stick it to the man and order his or her required reading from one of the other two neighborhood bookshops.  Labyrinth (112th between B'way and Amsterdam) is the most popular, most efficient and most crowded.  Papyrus (114th and B'way) is small and confusing.  Don't be scared; shop around for used copies and lower prices, unless you're too lazy and buy all your school supplies over the Internet.

Magazines

Heaven forbid you should ever need any reading material other than the Fed.  But if you do, you have your choice of two identical stores: Universal News (B'way and 112th) and Global Ink (right across the street).  The offerings of the two vary little.  Each carry a wide selection of international music, fashion, literature, political, movie, intellectual news, teen, game, sports, drug, design and horrorfreakgrossout publications, and neither stocks the Village Voice.  Global Ink is the superior of the two, if only because it acts as a drop-off location for Movie Place (B'way and 105th).  If you're looking for more porn than is hidden behind the Atlantic Monthly at the CU Bookstore, I'd recommend checking out the various newsstands that line Broadway. Which brings us to:

Newsstands, Street Vendors and Shady Characters Who Only Come Out At Night

The newsstands along Broadway (there are ones on 116th, between 115th and 116th and on 110th) sell every mainstream publication you could need, as well as snacks, drinks, and cigarettes.  The one on 110th has the best porn selection.  If you're lucky, you can get a used Hustler or two from a friendly neighborhood sketchy dude on the sidewalk at night, alongside a broken Cyrillic typewriter and a pair of mismatched sneakers.  110th and B'way is a hotbed of commercial activity once it gets dark.  Look out for the man who sells records.  I got Tom Jones, Bruce Springsteen, Donna Summer, Winger and Scorpions albums, all for a dollar each.  There are plenty of guys who hock their wares on Broadway, from the poster man next to the newsstand to the incense and essential oils guru next to the used books and plays man and across the street from the used CDs, records, videos and books buyer and seller.  You can also buy new, reasonably-priced CDs from Poor Richard's Flip-a-Disc on 112th, and apparently hand-made jewelry and purses from the people across the street.  Just don't be surprised if some of these entrepreneurs are nowhere to be found come the next day.

Music and Movies

In the past, you had to trek all the way down to Khan Video (B'way and 106th), Movie Place (105th and B'way) or Blockbuster (B'way and 103rd) to rent movies.  Now, Kim's Mediapolis (B'way and 114th) has arrived.  The closest of them all, it's practically on campus.  But beware, the store is designed for film buffs.  Make sure you know who directed the film you want to rent before ordering, or suffer the wrath that is the staff's "annoyed sigh".  Their music department is heavy on indie and experimental, with a used CD section that's worth checking out.  But purchase with caution - some Kim's employees are also gossipy Columbia students, so your whole Art Hum class might eventually find out that you rented The Wedding Planner and bought a Jessica Simpson CD last weekend.