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In This Issue

• I Was a Social Whore
• GS Day Care Caters to Non-Traditional Infants
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Letters to the Editor
• Letter from the Publisher
• Marauding Interviewer
• Go Ask ALICE!, She'll Make You Feel Sexy
• The Page Five Boy: Carter Adams, InstaCeleb
• Power Couples of the Sexy 107th Congress
• The Perfect Comfort Food for When Your Girl Back Home Dumps You
• Martha Stewart - Living?
• Fed Quiz: Find Your Perfect Columbia Mate
• Homeless Style = Hot
• Amihotenoughtogetlaidsoon orwhat.com
• Third Annual Fed Date Results In Tragedy
• Environmentally Conscious Martha
• JJ's Place: A New Home for Campus Discrimination
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.3

Dear ALICE!:

I'm choking!

-HELP ME!

 

Dear "Help Me,"

You seem to be experimenting with some new techniques, and ALICE! commends you for being open-minded. It seems that perhaps your significant other is trying some new things, and it's important to remember that these experiments can be both frightening and exciting.

Erotic strangulation is both common and fun, but ALICE! knows that you may be intimidated at first. Remember that communication is essential in any relationship, and often incorporating asphyxiation into the sexual act can add new and colorful idioms to your verbal discourse.

Hugs & Kisses,

-ALICE!

 

Dear ALICE!:

Me and my floormates in Sulzberger have a bet that we are hoping you could settle. One girl said she saw "nipples" on a "man." 2 crazy 2 B true, or 4 rEaL?

-BARNARD 4-EVA

 

Dear "Barnard,"

Congratulations for being brave enough to ask ALICE! these sensitive questions. ALICE! is sure that others would like to know as well. Yes, in some cases, Satan's progeny, or "man" in colloquial terms, can be spawned with "witch's teats," or "nipples."

This is often caused by copulation with one of Satan's teated minions, but can occasionally appear on some normal, unfortunate, God-fearing soul. Try looking lower, and seek out the presence of "Lucifer's spout" or "Satan's rod." If this item is present, ALICE! advises you to flee as soon as possible to the safety of Sulzberger.

Your Local Witchhunter,

-ALICE!

 

Dear ALICE!:

Please! I'm still really choking and I don't think I can last much longer. I am locked in the basement of Lerner Hall.

-COME QUICK!

 

Dear "Come Quick,"

There is no shame in premature ejaculation; it's something that most males experience frequently in their sex lives. Guys should not try to "last longer" when they feel themselves starting to reach the end, since such attempts are usually futile and result in frustration and self-consciousness. Try not to think about it, and you may just find that you "last longer" than you ever thought possible.

Loving You Dearly

-ALICE!

 

Dear ALICE!:

There is a sort of nagging pain and bloody discharge coming from my abdomen. In this spot I also noticed what appears to be the butt of a medieval dagger or perhaps a scimitar. I believe the front end of it is impaled into my stomach. People just stare at me strangely and run away. Should I pull the dagger out? Why did this happen to me?

-BLEEDING HEAVILY

 

Dear "Bleeding,"

ALICE! congratulates you on reaching a milestone in your young adult life. It is understandable that you might feel some embarrassment, discomfort, and even some physical or emotional pain at this time, but ALICE! assures you that it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Once they become adults, women experience monthly cycles called "the Curse of Eve" or "periods." During this time, ALICE! advises that the best course of action is to sit at home and wait it out. During this "period," you are considered unclean, and should take care not to have physical contact with any man.

Please Don't Touch Me,

-ALICE!