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Issue 17.3: living
Posted: October 13, 2001

The Perfect Comfort Food for When Your Girl Back Home Dumps You

Ji-Soo Park

2 cups all-purpose flour

1/4 cup honey

1 too-good-to-lose hometown honey

2 cups margarine or butter (4 sticks), softened

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 cups walnuts, chopped

1 $10 prepaid phone card

1 short eighth of Morningside Heights schwag

1 jug o' wine (optional)

1. In large bowl, with mixer at high speed, beat butter until creamy. As the mixture splatters all over the place, think about that time you and your hometown honey played with food when her parents went away to North Carolina. Add honey and vanilla; beat until the fond memories turn to bitterness. Recall that conversation last week when she said, "I miss you too much to keep this long-distance thing up." Call her using your prepaid phone card and leave her a rambling message. Include bits like, "I cannot live without love in this city of desolation," or "I would gladly give up this college education to be with you again."

2. Resist the temptation to leave another message, since you'll need that phone card later. With the remaining margarine or butter, break up the eighth of overpriced, brown schwag and fry it over low-medium heat for ten minutes. When inquisitive types wander by asking about the smell, deny, deny, deny. Being generous with your herbal baked goods will not get you laid.

3. With mixer at low speed, beat in schwag, flour, walnuts, and salt until dough forms. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerate dough at least 1 hour. While you're waiting, bring out that box of pictures and try to remember every part of her anatomy. Ask yourself, "will I ever get laid again by the likes of her?" No female has shot you so much as a glance since you landed in this city. You have heard of freshman boys getting ass, but let's be honest: they were probably lying. You most likely will not see action for at least the half-life of your twenty-pack of condoms. Twenty! What were you thinking?

4. Preheat oven to 325 degrees. With lightly floured hands, shape dough by heaping teaspoons into balls or, if you're one of those tender types, hearts. Place balls, about 2 inches apart, on ungreased large cookie sheet. Work yourself up into a frenzy by thinking about your hometown honey doin' something dirty with some scruffy junior at Colgate, or wherever she went. Think about how she's never done that with you ... damn, she's a kinky one, eh? Flatten the balls with your fist or forehead.

5. Bake 18 to 22 minutes until golden. While the cookies are cooling, call her again and tell her pathetic things until you realize that there's a party going on in her room, or at least in her pants, and she's not listening to a single thing you are saying.

6. Now you have a choice: you can drink your jug o' wine and try that drunken hook-up thing, or you can eat the cookies and wave good-bye to your libido. Honestly, you probably don't have a chance even with drunken girls. So eat up, get another bag, and look forward to a pleasantly slow career at Columbia. By the time you graduate, you will know every pothead in the school. Maybe you will even get to strap one of them.