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In This Issue

• I Was a Social Whore
• GS Day Care Caters to Non-Traditional Infants
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Letters to the Editor
• Letter from the Publisher
• Marauding Interviewer
• Go Ask ALICE!, She'll Make You Feel Sexy
• The Page Five Boy: Carter Adams, InstaCeleb
• Power Couples of the Sexy 107th Congress
• The Perfect Comfort Food for When Your Girl Back Home Dumps You
• Martha Stewart - Living?
• Fed Quiz: Find Your Perfect Columbia Mate
• Homeless Style = Hot
• Amihotenoughtogetlaidsoon orwhat.com
• Third Annual Fed Date Results In Tragedy
• Environmentally Conscious Martha
• JJ's Place: A New Home for Campus Discrimination
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.3

The School of General Studies understands that older students have special needs. As these men and women shirk the responsibilities of adulthood with creative writing classes, their young children need constant supervision. For these wee ones, there is General Studies Day Care.

Dean Lashoya Wallace agreed to elaborate on the educational philosophy at work: "Here at the General Studies Day Care, we cater to the nontraditional day care student. Some of them have taken a year off between infancy and pre-K; others are fifteen. Our key to success here is that we are totally nondiscriminatory in our admissions policies."

Third year pre-K student Ethan Asandra indicated great thankfulness: "If I had to go into day care when I was two, I just wouldn't have beeen ready. I'd have been falling down drunk, never really coloring Clifford the Big Red Dog in the way that he deserves. Oh God. I might have gotten into some shitty kindergarten and been paying for it the rest of my life. Hey! Look at those shiny buttons!"

As opposed to the College Day Care Service, GS Day Care has no minimum number of credits per semester. "Normally," said Dean Figharotti, "we'd expect the kids in the College Day Care to matriculate in six months and start going to the toilet on their own or something. For our nontraditional students in the General Studies Day Care, we must take into account their responsibilities as mature citizens. There's a smoke break right after nap time, for instance."

In deference to the older students' capacities to think critically, the GS Day Care briefly instituted a fifteen minute academic class. Although many were excited at the prospect of identifying colors from eight possible choices, the endeavor had to be abandoned after the younger students wandered off and got their heads stuck in the fences surrounding Lewisohn Lawn.

Never one to miss out on a profitable trend, the Columbia Business School has formed its own center for early childhood development. Enit Fordham Ani (Business ‘03), the founder of the center, was happy to discuss his motivation for getting started: "Last Wednesday, my final project was in serious trouble. I was down on Canal, trying to get those foreigners to crank out more wallets for street sale, when my whole work force got deported! I was like, ‘damn, I guess China really needs more people.' And it hit me: kids for export!"

Ani boasts an exceptional ability to think outside the box, which he has used to house the bulk of his charges. "Take this one," said Ani as he gestured to a rotund youngster in a brightly colored pen. "Number 17-03-71 is good to go just as soon as I can break my attachment to the little monkey. Check it out: I poke his stomach, and the flab just fills in around my finger! Kids are so cool. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have my first million to make. "