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Issue 17.3: living
Posted: October 13, 2001

Letters to the Editor

Cut for clarity...and brevity

Dear Feditor,

My heart bled [when I saw] myself, of many years standing your most eccentric and infamous contributor, named in your "They Watch" of the last issue. Your sentiment, "Watchu talkin' bout, Letzler? Take your big Spec money and your obsession with Julia Stiles elsewhere, and stop trying to steal our writers," is misled. Yes, I did have[...] Julia Stiles. It was exciting, it made the very blood in my veins seem purposive, it wasn't a bad ice-breaker at parties[...]

Already this past April, New York Observer writer Andrew Goldman reported me as an Anna Paquin fan. What I told him over beers at the West End was that, from my acquaintance with the outlines of her character and the geometries [sic] of her upper torso, I would much rather have her than Julia as my companion[...]

My opinion of Julia Stiles was a common one last semester[...] But we overlook the true locus of my obsession. That[...] is Fed editor-in-chief Meghan Keane. [...]Miss Keane is the most beautiful undergraduate of Columbia College, [however] I[...] have never met her socially. Meghan! The name's sweet music carries my thoughts to memories of your dulcet sing-song as the Tutor in the Barnard Classics Department production of Medea. Meghan! Did you see me there in the fourth row[...] Did you see me smile[...] I, in the[...] thinking of[...] you alone? We[...] attended[...] your editors, and[...]Ted's mutual friend[...] airline pilot. Laugh[...] is true!

Perhaps you thought of me when you met my alter ego, old travelling [sic] companion and evil twin, Ramsey M. Arnaoot[...] in late July? And when you[...] considered the lapidary construction[...] of me, maybe, you knew that I have loved you[...] though incorporeal and[...] do not think[...] and yet known to millions, am vulnerable too. I[...] long like any man[...] goddess, I am [...] your empurpled loveliness!

[...]

Yours sincerely,

Benjamin D. Letzler

Famous Author, Motor-sports enthusiast, [and Mathlete]

Dear Ben,

Thanks for the ego boost. I too was saddened to see your name in the afformentioned "They Watch" of last issue. I was even sadder to find it only after we went to press. When I brought it up at the editorial meeting, my minions only denied the allegations. Despite prodding and heavy lighting, they persisted in their innonence. It was indeed They.

Sincerely,

Meghan Keane

Editor-in-chief

 

Dear Fed,

A practical question for you. My friend was the lucky young man who won a Fed Raffle Prize on Clubs Day--no, not the Barnard girl. He won back his virginity, and was ceremoniously presented with a can of cherries. I was, I admit, a little startled when he walked up to where I was tabling and announced that he was, apparently, a virgin, due to the good people at the Fed. Following that, I assumed ownership of the cherries, and they now live in my refrigerator. So my question is: if safely stored in a climate-controlled environment, how long will a virginity last?

Perplexed,

Angharad Coates

Dear Angharad,

As per your question about longevity, the particular item in your possession (the virginity of one Mr. J. Chalmers Hudspeth) is quite impressive. If stored at room temperature, given its impervious shell, the virginity is designed to withstand a nuclear attack. Enjoy, and don't rule out the idea of a lovely virginity pie.

Sincerely,

Edward Ehrbar

Publisher