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In This Issue

• I Was a Social Whore
• GS Day Care Caters to Non-Traditional Infants
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Letters to the Editor
• Letter from the Publisher
• Marauding Interviewer
• Go Ask ALICE!, She'll Make You Feel Sexy
• The Page Five Boy: Carter Adams, InstaCeleb
• Power Couples of the Sexy 107th Congress
• The Perfect Comfort Food for When Your Girl Back Home Dumps You
• Martha Stewart - Living?
• Fed Quiz: Find Your Perfect Columbia Mate
• Homeless Style = Hot
• Amihotenoughtogetlaidsoon orwhat.com
• Third Annual Fed Date Results In Tragedy
• Environmentally Conscious Martha
• JJ's Place: A New Home for Campus Discrimination
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.3

Jerusalem, Israel -- In a shocking move, West Bank Palestinians kidnapped do-it-yourself maven Martha Stewart late Monday evening. It is unknown exactly who is responsible for the disappearance of the model-turned-stockbroker-turned-caterer-turned-craft-guru.

Last year's tentative agreement between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Authority Leader Yassir Arafat has been shaky, at best, during the past few months. More militant Palestinians have been contending that the Middle East has been losing international attention and that something drastic needed to be done to remove Israeli troops from the West Bank. Opportunity knocked for these opportunists when Ms. Stewart (divorced for five years) was on a tour of Jerusalem, about to film her planned ABC-TV special, "Ways To Dress Up The Wailing Wall."

Eyewitnesses say that Stewart was abducted by three young men in a public marketplace where she was carving a kiwi into a bust of Anwar Sadat. The unidentified men then quickly shoved her and her longtime aide-de-camp Larry into a van, denying her strident requests to be allowed to change into her "good walking shoes." Stewart did have armed security agents with her, but twenty minutes prior to the incident she had dispatched them to round up discarded rounds of ammunition which she planned to use to make into decorative shade pulls.

It is believed that the 48-year-old doily maker and her lawn care specialist Larry are in good health, though reports are sketchy. She was allowed by her captors to make a brief statement earlier today, in which she said she was being fed, "and it's a good thing, although some carrot sticks would have balanced out the undercooked gruel." She also reassured her cadre of assistants back home, "Please don't worry, but for the love of G-d, plant the bulbs soon or they won't flower at all this year."

No Palestinian groups would take responsibility for the abduction. Palestinian Authority and longtime PLO leader Yassir Arafat not only denied all responsibility for the disappearance of the craft Svengali, but lamented the fact that their planned "summit" would not take place. Apparently as a gesture of international goodwill, Stewart was scheduled to help Arafat convert an old barracks into a sewing room and prepare "fun sausage balls" for Arafat's advisors.

Speculative reports have come out of the compound where Stewart and assistant Larry are being held saying that Stewart remains in good spirits, working on a decorative wreath of rocks and pebbles and a centerpiece of the Masada monument out of discarded chicken bones.

Her disappearance has been major international news. The New York Post ran a huge banner headline which read, "Martha Stewart -- Living?"

So far, the kidnapping has not created the international outrage that her captors were hoping for. In fact, Ms. Stewart's multimedia empire seems to be intact. Her disappearance will not affect the publication of her magazine, the publication of her syndicated column or her Today Show appearances.