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In This Issue

• I Was a Social Whore
• GS Day Care Caters to Non-Traditional Infants
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Letters to the Editor
• Letter from the Publisher
• Marauding Interviewer
• Go Ask ALICE!, She'll Make You Feel Sexy
• The Page Five Boy: Carter Adams, InstaCeleb
• Power Couples of the Sexy 107th Congress
• The Perfect Comfort Food for When Your Girl Back Home Dumps You
• Martha Stewart - Living?
• Fed Quiz: Find Your Perfect Columbia Mate
• Homeless Style = Hot
• Amihotenoughtogetlaidsoon orwhat.com
• Third Annual Fed Date Results In Tragedy
• Environmentally Conscious Martha
• JJ's Place: A New Home for Campus Discrimination
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.3

(1) A typical Saturday night will find your Dream Guy:

(a) Throwing darts at Cannon's, drunkenly singing along to "Sweet Home Alabama," then later, rockin' the black-light, rockin' the Napster, and getting laid.

(b) Standing at 1020, rolling a cigarette, chatting with people he doesn't really care for, making sure his facial expression and gestures look cool and aloof from across the room.

(c) In the lab till at least 3am, putting the finishing touches on his nuclear warhead/senior thesis, while listening to Beethoven's 9th and glancing periodically at the 80 identical pictures of Heather Graham taped to his workstation.

(d) In London.

(2) There's just something about the way he wears his:

(a) Wife-beater, Lacrosse shorts, UNC Tarheels hat, muscle tone.

(b) faded brown cords, velcro-close Roos, Buddy Holly glasses (non-prescription), faded green "Vote Reagan!" tee shirt, self-referential smirk.

(c) tapered Lee jeans, oversized tee shirt with diagram of chemical composition of own body, Reebok Pumps.

(d) Dark D&G jeans, iridescent is-it-black-or-is-it-silver Prada button-down, Armani sunglasses, futuristic metal neck chain purchased for opening of Taro (nightclub)-Hong Kong, '98.

(3) A mix-tape of his favorite make-out music would include:

(a) Little DMB, little Beasties, and that "Smooth Criminal" song.

(b) Belle and Sebastian, Magnetic Fields, plus bootleg Babar The Elephant King ("Wait, you've never heard Babar? [pause] Oh. [pause] Actually, you know what? I really have to get up early tomorrow...").

(c) Snow, Warrant, PM Dawn, and whatever else was hot the last time he left the lab.

(d) French Electronica, Brazilian Trance, German Techno, Persian House, Underground Swiss Rap.

(4) You know he's the one when he says:

(a) "Damn. You look like hot sex."

(b) "I don't know. Vinyl just sounds...richer."

(c) "I'm fully prepared to spend the rest of my half-life with you."

(d) [irately, into cell phone] "No, Mr. Arafat, YOU listen!"

(5) On your birthday, he surprises you with:

(a) A gift.

(b) A Smurfs coloring book, half done by the kid whose mother donated it to Salvy.

(c) A picnic on the roof of Mudd, then a stroll through Riverside Park to watch the sunset, which took him almost 10 hours to engineer last night in the lab.

(d) Denmark.

ANSWER KEY:

Mostly ‘A's: The Misplaced Penn Student

Handsome and confident, this guy is going to cheat on you with your best friend, but that's no reason not to capitalize on his sexual prowess while you can. Besides, who else are you going to turn to when you misplace your Poly Sci textbook and need to locate someone else with a copy? Meeting this guy is easy: just choose one of the attractive guys at the front desk of Dodge, spend some quality time hanging over the counter, good-naturedly teasing him and referring to him as J-Rock or D-Dawg. Once you've gained his trust, he's bound to introduce you to his friends.

Mostly ‘B's: The Alterna-boy

Since his persona is defined by his iconoclasm, this one's a little trickier to snag. In terms of sightings, the front of Butler is a good bet, but you'd have better luck roaming the halls of Lerner on a weekend afternoon, in search of the chamber where he and his bandmates are hard at work threatening to turn conventional music on its ear. Just follow the ambient noise to love. Impressing this guy is as easy as knowing the right kitschy pop culture references-the theme from "Double Dare" is a classic-and having no qualms about exchanging them for tolerance for people who don't dress like you.

Mostly ‘C's: The Mudd Stud

Congratulations, you're smarter than the rest of us for realizing that you'll never find someone who's going to treat you better than this guy. So he's a little clueless in bed, and he's got some annoying speech patterns - like following up a joke with an awkward half-laugh that's really more like a snort. The trick for seeing past all this is to keep your future in mind and recognize that this guy is one of the only people on campus who's actually learning an employable skill. Look no further than the Carlton Dining Hall, and may the force be with you.

Mostly ‘D's: The International Playboy

Inevitably named Miko or Raj, this guy is the reason Dolce and Gabbana started a cologne line, which makes him easy to track since you can smell him coming from across the quad. This guy is going to make you feel like a queen, then leave you for one. If you're okay with that, then all you need to know is a couple of basic facts about the European city in which this guy went to American school, the bouncer at Lotus, and you're good to go. Two final pieces of advice: don't touch the hair, and make absolutely sure he's disease-free. Don't take his word for it.