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In This Issue

• I Was a Social Whore
• GS Day Care Caters to Non-Traditional Infants
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Letters to the Editor
• Letter from the Publisher
• Marauding Interviewer
• Go Ask ALICE!, She'll Make You Feel Sexy
• The Page Five Boy: Carter Adams, InstaCeleb
• Power Couples of the Sexy 107th Congress
• The Perfect Comfort Food for When Your Girl Back Home Dumps You
• Martha Stewart - Living?
• Fed Quiz: Find Your Perfect Columbia Mate
• Homeless Style = Hot
• Amihotenoughtogetlaidsoon orwhat.com
• Third Annual Fed Date Results In Tragedy
• Environmentally Conscious Martha
• JJ's Place: A New Home for Campus Discrimination
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.3

Last April, the Fed found itself dangerously close to being in some serious debt, much more serious than the debt in which we usually ends each year. So we, the loveable Fed staff, decided something had to done. Inspired by many Animal House rip-offs of the mid-to-late-eighties, we threw a wild party to generate revenue and save our clubhouse from the clutches of the evil real estate mongers over at First National, even though Bill's dad works there, and he's actually pretty cool.

The inaugural Fed Bash, held on April 12th in the Lerner Cellar Space, involved rock and roll, live S&M, and the New York Fire Department. Luckily, no attendees were harmed during the unscheduled intermission, but several injuries were reported from professional dominator Master Steelow's dressing room. Go figure.

The performers included Super Lucky Cat, Rut Row, Cadre Bravura, Jeff Bance, and the aforementioned Mr. Steelow. There was also some lovely work done by DJ Mycroft Holmes. Gerald Jackson was the host.

The Bash was basically a success. We made a butt-load of money and were able to finish publishing Volume 16. The Board and I rolled around in the loose bills for a few days, then decided we should do this kind of thing more often. Thus the Fed Bash became a biannual event. Well, in theory at least. Whether or not we can afford to put on Fed Bash III depends greatly on your attendance at Fed Bash II.

For this time out, we've brought back Rut Row (Yes, that's my band. Shut up) and Mycroft Holmes. Added to the bill is British cult figure Margarita Pracatan, with her special interpretation of pop music and her loose grasp of the English language.

Headlining the Fall Fed Bash is the Brooklyn-based band 2 Skinnee J's, who are taking a break from their rigorous tour schedule to serenade us with their individualized hip-hop rock style.

The big night is Saturday, November 17th, with doors opening at eight o'clock. Aside from the scheduled performers, be prepared for some suprise guests and other general shenanigans. Tickets are five dollars and will be available the day before the show. A portion of the proceeds will benefit the Red Cross. Oh yeah, and two ID's to drink, or something. We're hoping that you'll show up but that the FDNY won't.