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Issue 17.3: living
Posted: October 13, 2001

I Was a Social Whore

As told to Aurora Spider

David Parker always knew he had a problem. Parker's early adolescent case of agoraphobia quickly gave way (following significant pubescent weight loss) to a condition much more alarming: Socio-Butterflanylia. Parker's life was suddenly filled with friends, parties, and congeniality. In short, Parker was a social whore.

A victim since age sixteen, he kept his malady hidden from those closest to him. Parker only realized that his problem was getting serious in his first year of college. As a freshman, Parker was immediately thrown into a social scene conducive to his addictive nature. He quickly became the most well-known kid on campus, making so many friends that his roommate was forced to move to accommodate Parker's visitors. Lines would form outside of his Carmen suite, snaking down stairwells to accomodate the Fire Code. Soon, friends seeking an audience were being forced to sleep in shower stalls.

Although Parker's popularity was reaching epic proportions, he refused to acknowledge that he had a problem. "My buddy lists became so long that I had to set up eleven new screen names," confided Parker. "My ‘little black book' became a set of volumes numbered from I-MMCXXVI." Things were spiraling out of control, yet Parker continued to befriend everyone he met. He had no specifications for friends and his social group extended far beyond the tri-state area, quickly expanding to include all of the fifty states. "I actually had friends from Canada!" bemoaned Parker, his tear-stained face hidden in his hands.

Things finally came to a dramatic climax in April of his freshman year, when Parker was home for spring break. While putting away some of his underwear, his mother found three friends hidden in his sock drawer. "I immediately called David's father at work and told him to come home right away because it was an emergency," recalled David's mom. "I was beside myself that we had allowed ourselves to overlook such a vicious problem existing under our own roof. I felt betrayed, hurt, and scared. David had always been such a nice boy." When David got home later that night he was greeted by his parents sitting somberly on the couch. "I remember it like it was five months ago," said Parker. "My dad asked ‘You've been socializing, haven't you?' My mom kept wailing, ‘Where did we go wrong?' over and over."

Parker, finally confronted head-on by his disorder, was moved to take the next step. "I checked myself into an intensive rehabilitation program in the Colorado Mountains that an ex-friend who used to socialize with me recommended." The program included thirty-five hours a week of ‘alone time' spent in solitude and plenty of one-on-one therapy. "The therapists at Lonely Hearts Spa were trained to not befriend me. Their ‘tough-love' approach really helped get me through my ordeal." Parker explained.

Parker is now a recovering social whore solitarily beginning his sophomore year. When asked how he's adjusting to his new, friends-free lifestyle Parker answered; "I get tempted sometimes, when I see advertisements for study breaks and poetry slams, to go out and just meet a few people. But then I take a step back and think about it: ‘Do I really need these friends? Will they make me happier in the long run?' These days, I find I'm much more content to bolt my door, put on a set of headphones, and distract myself from the aching loneliness by smoking weed and surfing for porn until I finally pass out into sweet oblivion."