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In This Issue

• I Was a Social Whore
• GS Day Care Caters to Non-Traditional Infants
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Letters to the Editor
• Letter from the Publisher
• Marauding Interviewer
• Go Ask ALICE!, She'll Make You Feel Sexy
• The Page Five Boy: Carter Adams, InstaCeleb
• Power Couples of the Sexy 107th Congress
• The Perfect Comfort Food for When Your Girl Back Home Dumps You
• Martha Stewart - Living?
• Fed Quiz: Find Your Perfect Columbia Mate
• Homeless Style = Hot
• Amihotenoughtogetlaidsoon orwhat.com
• Third Annual Fed Date Results In Tragedy
• Environmentally Conscious Martha
• JJ's Place: A New Home for Campus Discrimination
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.3

It's eight in the morning. The phone rings. You answer. On the other end: Please hold. A representative is eager to talk to you. Excuse me? As if it weren't bad enough that you bother people at ungodly hours of the day, now you're too busy to get to them right away? Yes, I will hold. I will hold a gun to your head if I ever get my hands on you. Lazy Telemarketers = THEY!

Okay, when I say, "I'll be right back, going to get a soda," that doesn't mean you have enough time to whip out your package. I have nothing against you quenching your desires, but give me at least a little forewarning! Maybe you misunderstood the advice you were given at orientation. The sock goes on the doorknob, not on your knob. My Roommate Wanking the Willy Wonka = THEY!

Three confirmed cases of anthrax among the Weekly World News staff so far. Terrorism? I think not. This is more along the lines of Divine Journalistic Justice. To think, if our tabloid brethren aren't safe, what fate could be in store for our dear Fed? The Contamination and Death of our Faux-News Brothers = THEY!

I risked pneumonia while waiting for a bus in the freezing rain. My nagging mother wondered why I snickered when an alum at brunch called the Administration "warm and comforting." Well, what they lack in warmth and comfort they make up for in an absolute sense of cruelty. The Administration That Made me Freeze my Ass Off, Ride in the Bumpy Bouncing School Bus of Death, and Brought my Meddling Parents Here for the Weekend = THEY!

Bill Maher is scorned for not articulating his unpopular views quite well enough. Okay, fine. It's his job to rile people up, isn't it? Maybe he was insensitive, who's to say? But this is truly disturbing. To quote White House press secretary Ari Fleischer: "There are reminders to all Americans that they need to watch what they say." Jigga wha? Making Vague Threats to Our Rights Now That You Have Some Power = THEY!