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In This Issue

• Blind Guy Shows Us the Way
• Columbia's Cruel Iron Maiden
• Letter From the Editor
• Daddy Was a Shrink; Momma Was a Street Corner.
• Columbia Socialist Pronounces ‘Bourgeois’ The Right Way
• Holiday Thoughts for the Dysfunctional
• Dear Alma Mater
• Columbia Vs. Colombia
• WHAT TYPE OF DYSFUNCTIONAL IS YOUR FAMILY?
• Uncut Tales of Dysfunctional Literacy
• White Boys Need Money
• I Am So Not a Man
• Thanks, My Ass: Mohican Joe speaks out
• Press 'M' for Mezzanine... if Ye be Brave Enough
• Your Daily (read: Monthly) Horoscope
• Wacky Fun Whitey: Evil Just Like your Mom
• Newsbriefs
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.4

As I sat in my dorm room, poring over copious and illegible notes on Aeschylus and neural signaling, I fell into a deep, trance-like state. I'm telling you, the mantras of all 15 billion Lamas past and present poured over my ears like spiritual honey! I experienced a shocking revelation: instead of spending my parents' hard-earned money attempting to imbibe an Ivy-league world-view, I could earn easy money by creating and imbibing hardcore drugs in Colombia.

The world of producing, shipping, and distributing crack is a fast-pasted, high-end market with unfathomable opportunities for advancement as long as you're willing to step up into the shoes of your predecessor while they're still warm and blood-stained. After the college admissions process, this seemed like a mild inconvenience at worst. Viva el Cocaine!

As you will see, the drug world beats the Ivies on all three of the most important categories for any decision: Money, Fame, and Sex.

Issue 1: Money

Columbia Education: Sets you, or rather your parents back $40,000 dollars a year. This means lots and lots of whining from your M and P about how they expect more from their investment than pathetic grades, huge credit card bills, and venearal diseases. If you don't want to depdend upon the people you have been parasiting off for 18 years, you can always whore yourself out with aids, grants, and scholarships, but you know how loan sharks get when you decide to major in Obscure 18th Century Russian Philosophy.

Columbian Education: Make $40 Million a year and don't pay a penny on it! With a little creative money laundering courtesy of the Cayman Islands or the Swiss Alps, you too can be splurging obscene amounts of money on gold-plated, diamond encrusted nose-hair tweezers which your Filipino house-slaves will use to extract the excess coke from your nostrils.

Issue 2: Fame

Columbia Education: Well, you at least get to be in the same 50-mile are as Julia Stiles. Yippeee. And of course, the glamorous world of academe is always beckoning, ready to suck out your soul.

Columbian Education: You can and do supply the stars. Hell, you practically own half of Hollywood, New York, and Washington D.C. Robert Downey Jr. is just gravy on the turkey.

Issue 3: Sex

Columbia Education: Barnard girls cannot be mocked enough in the pages of the Fed. Other opportunities: drunken women, stoned women, and unconscious women. Let's face it, that's about it for someone desperate enough to read this article for guidance.

Columbian Education: The women will pour from the faucets. Seriously, haven't you ever seen Scarface? Pacino gets Michelle Pfieffer and whatsherface from "Robin Hood-Prince of Thieves." Not bad for an incoherent midget.

A Columbia Education vs. A Colombia Education

The Shiznit:
CU: Four Years at Columbia College
CE: Four years with A Colombian drug cartel

Cost:
CU: $35,000 baby.  And growing fast.
CE: You know that gold-plated yacht you've always wanted?  This year's crop should be sufficient.

Curriculum:
CU: Greek histroy, philosophy, and some half-assed poli-sci class you will sleep through.
CE: You will learn the essential skills of jungle survival, as well as ways past the U.S. Coast Guard in the smuggling of large quantities of drugs.

Facial Hair:
CU: Effete Goatee
CE: A manly beard

Prospects:
CU: Living with your parents while searching for a management job with your liberal arts degree.
CE: Your villa outside Bogota, with an Olympic-sized pool and a helicopter.

Drinking:
CU: Friday night at the West End
CE: Constantly.  Not only to keep the madness of the jungle away, but also to fend of malaria.

Teachers:
CU: Ignorant TA or bored bigshot Professor unintelligible in a mass lecture.
CE: Raul de Lop-Aguerre, commandante of FUC (Forces Unidas de Colombia)

Colors:
CU: Pansy-Blue and White
CE: Camouflage

Entertainment:
CU: Frisbee on South Lawn
CE: Target practice

Food:
CU: John Jay, Uris, Lerner
CE: Anything you can kill you can eat.  If it doesn't eat you first.

Women:
CU: Barnard
CE: Il Presidente's daughter