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In This Issue

• Blind Guy Shows Us the Way
• Columbia's Cruel Iron Maiden
• Letter From the Editor
• Daddy Was a Shrink; Momma Was a Street Corner.
• Columbia Socialist Pronounces ‘Bourgeois’ The Right Way
• Holiday Thoughts for the Dysfunctional
• Dear Alma Mater
• Columbia Vs. Colombia
• WHAT TYPE OF DYSFUNCTIONAL IS YOUR FAMILY?
• Uncut Tales of Dysfunctional Literacy
• White Boys Need Money
• I Am So Not a Man
• Press 'M' for Mezzanine... if Ye be Brave Enough
• Your Daily (read: Monthly) Horoscope
• Wacky Fun Whitey: Evil Just Like your Mom
• Newsbriefs
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.4

You know you've seen him around. That slick kid with the dark glasses, the classy threads, the silver cane, the snazzy cell phone. Always surrounded by beautiful women, hanging on his arm, hanging on his every word. Maybe you've sat next to him in class, maybe you've sat next to him at a bar. Maybe you've witnessed one of his impromptu rap freestyles, which he's been known to drop anytime, anywhere. Who is this kid, and who does he think he is? Is he really blind, or is it just an act to get chicks? And how does he know if they're hot or not? Is Cyrus the coolest guy on campus, or is he just a big asshole?

The Fed: When we were talking on the phone the other day, you were saying how being blind is a non-issue for you. I guess most people, myself included, don't realize that. We think that you go around thinking, "oh I'm different from everybody else". But it's not like that, right?

Cyrus: I just think I'm better. No... I don't know. Maybe it actually is a big deal to me, and I just downplay it because I'm insecure. But even if that's true, what's wrong with downplaying it? I mean, I don't try to drive cars or anything. I feel like it's not a big part of my life, but I don't know how it would be. How would it impact my life, as a college student in New York?

F: I don't know, I guess it depends on your attitude. If you just sat in your room and felt sorry for yourself...

C: But that could be anyone. It could be the lame kid or the ugly kid. It doesn't matter that I'm blind. I mean, I'd like to take credit for being this amazing person who overcame all this shit, but it's not like that... But that does raise an important point. If you're gonna talk about the blindness thing at all, talk about this. A lot of blind people out there also have learning disabilities, just by the nature of the disability. It's usually due to a bad birth or a car accident or for whatever reason, but there's brain damage as well. Ninety percent of blind people are unemployed. Ninety. And that's the reason why. It's not because we're lazy asses. I'd like to take credit, but I don't think being blind is that debilitating, unless there are other problems.

F: Have you been blind all your life?

C: I've been blind since I was nine... Hold on can I ask you a question?

F: Sure.

C: Why, other than, obviously, because I'm blind, why interview me as opposed to everyone else?

F: Well, you're a campus "personality". You're really popular, you're always out and about, and everybody knows you.

C: Oh you jest!

F: Come on, every time I called you to set up this interview, you always had like 3 people in your room and you were on your cell phone and on the computer...

C: It's not what it seems! Really! It's just my mom! She calls me a lot! No, actually what's happened to me socially is that I've become entrenched in the Greek scene, and I don't know how that happened, since I'm not in a fraternity.

F: One question I've been told to ask you is why are you always hanging out with hot chicks?

C: I don't know! They flock to me. No, it's not true. You're the only one.

F: (mock flattery) Aww thank you.

C: I think... I don't know. Here's the deal: I hate going places alone. I hate being alone. It's probably some insecurity or something. It's not because of the blindness, because I feel totally comfortable walking around campus. And I just happen to be friends with a lot of women.

F: Any clue as to why that is?

C: Women are just nurturing. I'm just like everyone's little brother.

F: Does that get annoying?

C: No, not at all. I love it. I just hate being alone. If I'm alone I'm on my cell phone.

F: Has it been like that the whole time you've been at Columbia?

C: Freshman year, I was much more into nightlife and clubs and going downtown. And then I gradually became more into just drinking, to the point where I'm basically an alcoholic now.

F: Do you blame Giuliani's nightlife crackdown for your alcoholism?

C: Yeah, man, if Twilo were open... Wait...back to the whole doing an article on me thing. I just feel like doing an article on someone being blind is so Spectator.

F: Yeah, but we're gonna make fun of you, whereas they wouldn't.

C: (laughs)

F: And it's not like you're just "The Blind Kid" and you never talk to anyone.

C: There are two things I wonder about all the time. Are there other blind people on this campus? Because there have been all sorts of false sightings and rumors. It usually turns out that they're not really blind, just cross-eyed. And I also wonder how many other Cyrii there are on campus.

F: I know I've heard of at least one other Cyrus.

C: The hairy one?

F: I don't know.

C: Can you tell that one to stop pretending to be me? Write that in the thing. Say, "The hairy Cyrus, stop pretending to be Cyrus." Other Cyrii just need to backstage, OK? ‘Cause there has been confusion, and it must just be hard on them.

F: Because your star shines so brightly?

C: Right. Exactly. They just need to find a new fucking name. Oh, and if there are other blind people out there, I don't really want to talk to you, so don't come find me.

F: Ok, we'll put that down.

C: So tell me about the Fed. Who runs it?

F: Well, it's all students. Our editor-in-chief is a girl who's a senior in GS...

C: Isn't GS so weird? Can we talk about that for a second?

F: Sure. I don't quite understand it either.

C: Ok, I think that GS is fine, but the lifetime learners just need to get out of my classrooms. Put that down as a direct quote. Yeah, GS is pretty confusing. It's more confusing than Barnard.

F: Ok, let's talk about Barnard.

C: Ooh, let me just give all of my opinions. I love being in the press! Ok. Why does everyone care so much about Barnard? Who cares if they have swipe access or not? We're not here to not be at Barnard, and they're not there to not be at Columbia. When it all comes down to it. It's not a big part of our identity. And the swipe access thing is a security issue; it's not about prestige. It's not like "ooh look at my VIP access to Carman".

F: How has your experience getting around the city been? Has anyone ever been mean to you, like, on the street?

C: No. I have a good rapport with the city's homeless. Especially that one guy by Columbia Bagels. He's really cool. If you ever give anyone money, give it to him... So do you know anything about this Bollinger guy?

F: No, but I've heard good things. He's supposedly very in touch with the students, which would be a big improvement from Rupp.

C: Well, Rupp's an alcoholic.

F: Really?

C: Yeah.

F: I didn't know that.

C: Yeah, it's true. So it's kind of hard for him to be into the students.

F: How do you know that?

C: I just do. Top sources.

F: I would think being an alcoholic would help him connect to the students.

C: Yeah, but his type of drinking is sitting in his office in Low and then hanging out in his Volvo that they gave him for selling the Biosphere. But he has raised a lot of money for the school. You know, fifteen years ago, Columbia was a piece of shit. The guy is brilliant as far as fundraising goes.

F: Another thing I'm curious about is how you do your reading for classes, and how you read email.

C: Oh, my computer talks to me.

F: Does it pronounce things right? Like if I emailed you "jigga wha?" would it say it right?

C: Yeah, for the most part it's pretty good about pronouncing things. And my books for classes I read on tape. Well, the ones that I can get on tape. Sometimes they can't get them for me, so I just take the class without having any books.

F: At least you have an excuse for not having done the reading, unlike the rest of us.

C: Yeah.

F: How about exams?

C: I go to the blind-tastic place on the 8th floor of Lerner. It's the disabilities office. Ok, let me say something. I absolutely want you to print this. There used to be this bitch that worked in this office. Her name was Lynne Bejoian. I'll spell it for you B-E-J-O-I-A-N. She doesn't work there anymore. I hope she got fired because of me or because of my mom calling and complaining. I don't know where she works right now, but I hope she gets fired from every job she ever has.

F: What did she do?

C: She's like a gimp herself, she has some kind of fucked up eye situation, where if she was talking to you, she'd be looking, like, over there. She only had peripheral vision.

F: Hey! Don't make fun of people with disabilities!

C: Haha. I only mock her because she was so anti-disability. I was always like "don't you understand that you're a gimp just like me?" She'd do anything for money. She'd make everything so hard for me. She wouldn't care if things just didn't get done. She sucks a lot. And now the disabilities office is fifty million times better, now that she's gone.

F: How has your experience with the administration been in general?

C: Pretty good. The following people are good: Rob Lutomski, John Carter in the Registrar's office, McDermott, the Student Affairs dean, is good and Yatrakis.

F: Yatrakis??

C: Yeah, she's been good.

F: Oh. Umm... the Fed has issues with her. We'll talk about that later.