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columbia's only paper with a liquor license
Issue 17.4: dysfunction
Posted: November 3, 2001

Dear Alma Mater

Matt Hoffman

Dear Columbia,

This is a hard letter to write, and I'm sure it won't be easy for you to read, but I can't put it off any longer. Columbia, I'm sorry, but I don't think we should see each other anymore. It's been a long time since things have been right between us, and I just can't keep trying anymore.

I think we've both known this was coming for a while now. You know I never wanted to hurt you, but we've just grown apart so much over the past couple of years that I don't think it's fair to either of us to keep this thing going.

It feels so strange when I think of all the promises we made to each other! Remember how we said we could stay together through grad school? And remember how you said that my Core classes would all be taught by professors?

I think it's only fair to tell you, I've gotten involved with another college. Next semester I plan on matriculating as a junior at Brown. I know you're going to assume it's just because Brown is prettier than you are, but that's not it at all. I just want to be with someone who doesn't judge me like you do.

I feel like since the first day I came here you've done nothing but criticize me. Paper after problem set after exam, I give and I give and I give, but nothing is ever good enough for you. Maybe they are smarter than me, but it's like you're deliberately trying to hurt me when you give smarter students the A's. So maybe that's why I feel I have to be with a college that actually makes its students feel loved by doing away with "major requirements" and "grades."

I'm sorry, that wasn't fair of me. I just get so angry sometimes, that a school I've given so much of my time, love, and money (and I don't mean to be petty, but you're not a cheap date) makes me live a room in Wien with a yellow-stained sink for company. I mean, what does it say about how important I am to you that you lose every transcript, postcard, application, and love letter I send you? I know you're not trying to hurt me, but you make that hard to remember sometimes. I guess I just need someone a little more available right now.

Do you remember that cold December night when I brought those blankets and incense sticks so we could sleep together on Low Plaza? Even though for some insane reason you wouldn't agree to spend the night in a warm bed, I was willing to make sacrifices so you would be comfortable. I went out of my way to make things special for you, but it was like you were made of bronze or something. Don't throw your hands up like you can't figure out what I'm talking about...it took me an hour to unglue my tongue from your cheek.

So that's it. It's over. I really thought you might be the one, but I guess I was wrong. There's nothing left now but to pick up the pieces and go our separate ways. I know this is hard, but remember that there are plenty of other nice students out there who would love a chance to be with you, students who are more right for you. I just can't be one of them anymore. I'm sorry. I hope we can still be friends.

Wishing it could have been different,

Matt Hoffman '03

P.S. I'll be by to pick up my things next week, please don't make it any harder than it has to be.