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In This Issue

• Blind Guy Shows Us the Way
• Columbia's Cruel Iron Maiden
• Letter From the Editor
• Daddy Was a Shrink; Momma Was a Street Corner.
• Columbia Socialist Pronounces ‘Bourgeois’ The Right Way
• Holiday Thoughts for the Dysfunctional
• Dear Alma Mater
• Columbia Vs. Colombia
• WHAT TYPE OF DYSFUNCTIONAL IS YOUR FAMILY?
• Uncut Tales of Dysfunctional Literacy
• White Boys Need Money
• I Am So Not a Man
• Thanks, My Ass: Mohican Joe speaks out
• Press 'M' for Mezzanine... if Ye be Brave Enough
• Your Daily (read: Monthly) Horoscope
• Wacky Fun Whitey: Evil Just Like your Mom
• Newsbriefs
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.4

In recent years, the citizens of the world have singlehandedly repopularized the concept of dysfunction. Ever since we began losing our moral ground, argument has reigned about what has catalyzed the change. Political pundits are quick to blame the media and blood-soaked video games, but our dysfunction is far more insidious, staking its claim in every corner of our culture. From the atrocious acts committed in the bible to the very first fairy tales (so gruesome upon original conception that they had to be tampered with to be suitable for childlike ears), our culture has thrived upon voyeuristic speculation of unspeakable acts.

Below, please find an exploration of the cultural output that has earmarked our society as a bastion for degradation. Seek out these works for their genius as well as their depravity, and you, too can be functionally literate in a dysfunctional world.

 

BOOKS / COMIC BOOKS

Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews. Long a standard read for teenage girls, this book tells the story of four children imprisoned in a squalid attic at the behest of their evil grandmother. During their four years in the attic, the children undergo death, disease, and depravity (magically explored in the scene where the sexually desperate eldest children finally give in to their incestual whims).

Red Meat and More Red Meat by Max Cannon. Perhaps the most lovingly dysfunctional comic strip ever, collected into two volumes worth keeping on your bookshelf solely for the sake of scaring away conservative floormates.

"Mom, can I get braces?"

"Now, why would you want braces when you have such beautiful, straight teeth?"

"No... I meant for my legs."

"Please get back under the porch before one of the neighbors sees you."

Priceless.

See Also: Lost Souls (Poppy Z. Brite) "Kill Your Boyfriend" (Grant Morrison), "Strange Kiss" / "Stranger Kisses" (Warren Ellis)

 

MUSIC

"Tea and Corpses," the Flash Girls. Innocent-sounding folk duo reveals subversive underbelly. "Darling, you may think that we are parted and you're free, but I know that we'll meet again in hell. You think you got the last word in by poisoning my tea, but the joke's on you, ‘cause I poisoned yours as well."

"When I Grow Up," Garbage. Garbage's mainstream airplay makes it a struggle to listen to them and still maintain your indie cred. Then they release songs with lyrics like, "Cut my tongue out, I've been caught out, like a giant juggernaut. Happy hours, golden showers, on a cruise to freak you out." I wonder what the MTV generation would think of Shirley Manson if they knew of the sexual proclivities the clever redhead murmurs about on her non-single tracks.

See Also: "Country Death Song" (Violent Femmes), "If You Don't Love Me (I'll Kill Myself)" (Pete Drodge), "Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits" (the Magnetic Fields)

 

MOVIES AND THEATRE

Tromeo and Juliet. The only film Troma film to be accepted by the art house crowd, this masterful paean to Shakespeare has it all: incest, penis demons, onscreen nipple piercings, mutilation by electronic appliances, and the sort of lesbian sex scene that Shakespeare would have included himself if he'd had a decent publicist.

Heathers. One of the few films that has kept us from writing off the "teen film" genre in its entirety, Heathers visits Westerberg High, where the crime of being popular earns you a quick death via a cleaning fluid cocktail or a faked suicide (supposedly to keep the world from finding out about a homosexual tryst between football team co-captains). As if we all didn't fantasize about killing the in-crowd once upon a time.

Happiness. Todd Solondz' second film explores the holy trinity of murder, rape, and pedophilia (wait, does adultery rank above pedophilia? No matter, Happiness has plenty of both) in a manner so unflinching that you'll find yourself laughing out loud and guiltily squirming in your seat at the same time.

See Also: Crash, Natural Born Killers

See Also, Theatre: Killer Joe (Tracy Letts), The Marriage of Bette and Boo (Christopher Durang), Tiny Alice (Edward Albee), Uncle Bob (Austin Pendleton), The Wild Party (Michael John LaChiusa)

 

WEBSITES

No fair providing cheat sheets to such easy access items. You're going to have to check these out yourself.

www.sexylosers.com

www.fu-fme.com

www.portalofevil.com

www.superbad.com

www.whowouldyoukill.com

www.swimhq.com/nonspace/nina/nina_1.html

 

TELEVISION

The tough part these days, between movies-of-the-week, soap operas, and daytime talk shows, is finding something to watch that isn't dysfunctional. In fact, the Fed is so wary of the contents of your average TV Guide that we'd rather you just turned the off the television and took a moment to observe real life unfolding around you. If you're lucky, you might even see someone get beat up in Central Park.