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In This Issue

• Blind Guy Shows Us the Way
• Columbia's Cruel Iron Maiden
• Letter From the Editor
• Daddy Was a Shrink; Momma Was a Street Corner.
• Columbia Socialist Pronounces ‘Bourgeois’ The Right Way
• Holiday Thoughts for the Dysfunctional
• Dear Alma Mater
• Columbia Vs. Colombia
• WHAT TYPE OF DYSFUNCTIONAL IS YOUR FAMILY?
• Uncut Tales of Dysfunctional Literacy
• White Boys Need Money
• I Am So Not a Man
• Press 'M' for Mezzanine... if Ye be Brave Enough
• Your Daily (read: Monthly) Horoscope
• Wacky Fun Whitey: Evil Just Like your Mom
• Newsbriefs
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.4

Sagittarius
The old Jewish thanks, "Lord, I thank Thee that Thou didst not make me a woman," will prove faulty at the dinner table this year, when you realize that you are, indeed, a pansy ass woman.

Capricorn
When the moment comes, we'll talk turkey, we'll shoot words straight from the hip, we'll play it as it lays. But for now, I'll just keep bullshitting. I see good things, Capricorn.

Aquarius
In appreciation of Native American Heritage Month, why don't you reenact the Trail of Tears from Cannon's to the Stend?

Pisces
The Sun is in Scorpio and the Moon is going from Taurus into your ass. Ooh that smarts.

Aries
Today will be the day you will lovingly refer to as "Incontinence Day" for years to come.

Libra
Victor Hugo once said, "Thanksgiving has wings and goes where it must go. Your prayer knows much more about it than you do." I'm not sure what he meant, but man, it totally applies to you, Libra.

Gemini
According to tradition, a vampire is a person who does not die, an "un-dead." But even the vampire must return to the grave at dawn. Be prepared to suck it up. Put your clothes back on and make that walk of shame this month, Gemini.

Cancer
You can choose all the perfect ways to express your feelings for your new love interest, but by God, man, keep it in your pants when her roommate's around.

Leo
Sometimes a lot of wiskey helps the holidays pass by. Remember, moderation will only get you molested.

Virgo
Grandma would be better off applying Ben-Gay to her cataracts than you would trying to chase after that girl in psych class. Time to cool down, Virgo.

Taurus
Follow your heart, Taurus. It's legal to go topless on the subway now. Just don't be surprised when a lot more strange men start talking with/touching you when you're waiting for your train.

Scorpio
Like a cool domestic brew, you have a complex flavor and are smooth going down. But then again, so is O'Douls. Tease.