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In This Issue

• Blind Guy Shows Us the Way
• Columbia's Cruel Iron Maiden
• Letter From the Editor
• Daddy Was a Shrink; Momma Was a Street Corner.
• Columbia Socialist Pronounces ‘Bourgeois’ The Right Way
• Holiday Thoughts for the Dysfunctional
• Dear Alma Mater
• Columbia Vs. Colombia
• WHAT TYPE OF DYSFUNCTIONAL IS YOUR FAMILY?
• Uncut Tales of Dysfunctional Literacy
• White Boys Need Money
• I Am So Not a Man
• Press 'M' for Mezzanine... if Ye be Brave Enough
• Your Daily (read: Monthly) Horoscope
• Wacky Fun Whitey: Evil Just Like your Mom
• Newsbriefs
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.4

China Invades Antarctica

Last week, US intelligence sources located the one billion advance troops that China sent into the icy seventh continent. None of the US' satellites picked up on the move because they were all made in China, and the Chinese, being as devious and evil as all Asian people are, rigged the satellites to not betray their invasion plans. The dirty slopes then proceeded to put pee pee in our coke.

American generals and tacticians have no idea as to what to do, as China has fortified the conquered area with a big wall that runs along the entire coastline. However, the US is determined to respond due to the large snow cone lobby that depends on the arctic ice. Lobbyist Hugh Jazz today said, "Damn Orientals! They keep stealing all of our stuff. First it was the VCR, then our nuclear weapons, and now - they've crossed the line - our fuckin snow cones. And don't think for a moment that I'll let ‘em take my country. I know that Chinatown is just a front for their full-scale attack. I see how they've invaded our food, our television, and even our porn. Hell, just yesterday, I caught my son looking at one of those sick, perverted Asian sex mags. Told the boy to clean up his act. Gave him some money to buy some of that good white porn. Fuckers!"

Vice President Dick Cheney Assassinated

In a press release today, the White House has finally admitted that beloved father of five and the US' only hope to make sure that Bush doesn't fuck up, has died.

Cheney has been dead for the past three weeks. Evidently, the White House attempted to resuscitate him. At first, they tried the ever so popular Shelley lightning trick. Met with discouraging results (toes and external hair caught on fire), scientists then tried to make a Dick Cheney clone, but due to Bush's inane Christian ethics, did not bring the Cheney clone baby to term, but instead, sold the embryo to his wife who wants to be artificially inseminated.

The assassination was apparently accomplished chemically. Cheney's weekly supply of uncut, pure cocaine, provided free of charge by the DEA, was contaminated by a lethal agent that had not been identified at press time.

An attendee of the vice president said, "Gee, it was so weird. Everything was normal. As I was cutting lines, Dick snorted up just like usual. Nothing out of the ordinary. He even said that it was his best hit yet. Then he was coughing and shit. At first I thought he was scamming - like, you know, that stroke thing - but goddamn, the son of a mofo croaked on me right then. You can imagine how I felt."