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In This Issue

• Blind Guy Shows Us the Way
• Columbia's Cruel Iron Maiden
• Letter From the Editor
• Daddy Was a Shrink; Momma Was a Street Corner.
• Columbia Socialist Pronounces ‘Bourgeois’ The Right Way
• Holiday Thoughts for the Dysfunctional
• Dear Alma Mater
• Columbia Vs. Colombia
• WHAT TYPE OF DYSFUNCTIONAL IS YOUR FAMILY?
• Uncut Tales of Dysfunctional Literacy
• White Boys Need Money
• I Am So Not a Man
• Thanks, My Ass: Mohican Joe speaks out
• Press 'M' for Mezzanine... if Ye be Brave Enough
• Your Daily (read: Monthly) Horoscope
• Wacky Fun Whitey: Evil Just Like your Mom
• Newsbriefs
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.4

Who are THEY? THEY are THEM, the THEM of THEY that make all the other THEYs possible. THEY will control all if THEY get their way. THEY want you to buy THEIR tequila-flavored beers, wear THEIR reversible hoody/blazers, and marry THEIR daughters of THEIR revolution. They Watch is your fighting chance. It is stationed on the parapet between us and THEM, observing always and acting once in a while, we don't have anything better to do and Buffy's not on. But THEY are cunning and clandestine, and many can slip into THEIR traps...

1. I don't know how to describe this fruit. I think it's a fruit. It's green, about the size of an apple, and really bumpy. It's some sort of collection of seeds, or something, and it smells bad. Worst of all, this fruit grows in trees. More specifically, a tree in Morningside Park (at 114^th St.) right over where I walk to school. The strange five pound fruit-things that threaten to bean me from above every morning = THEY!

2. Let's be reasonable. As a Columbia undergraduate, you are not really a target. Unless, of course, you are the daughter of a media or government figure. But you're not. More importantly, out of all the people who would likely try to kill you through the mail, I seriously doubt that YOUR BANK is at the top of the list. The stupid, self-important, paranoid schmuck who got an entire building closed down and freaked everyone out just because she's a moron = THEY!

3. Naked, he has been stretched across the path, as you can see, and he must feel the weight of anyone who passes over him. Like torment, in this ditch, afflicts both his father-in-law and others in that council, which for the Jews had seeded so much evil. Holidays with the family = THEY!

4. You know, sometimes I get busy, okay? Sometimes I have too much to do, and don't have time to monitor all the potential They's of the world. I have a life, too, you know? I'm not a machine. Even God took a day off. But, no. There's no pleasing you. You suck. I'm going to live with my mother. Demanding They Watch readers (both of you) = THEY!

5. Well... I didn't want to have to tell you about this, but.. How can I phrase this correctly? Um.. maybe you should sit down. No, no, don't panic. Really, there's just a few things you need to think about, because the results of your blood tests = THEY!