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In This Issue

• Blind Guy Shows Us the Way
• Columbia's Cruel Iron Maiden
• Letter From the Editor
• Daddy Was a Shrink; Momma Was a Street Corner.
• Columbia Socialist Pronounces ‘Bourgeois’ The Right Way
• Holiday Thoughts for the Dysfunctional
• Dear Alma Mater
• Columbia Vs. Colombia
• WHAT TYPE OF DYSFUNCTIONAL IS YOUR FAMILY?
• Uncut Tales of Dysfunctional Literacy
• White Boys Need Money
• I Am So Not a Man
• Thanks, My Ass: Mohican Joe speaks out
• Press 'M' for Mezzanine... if Ye be Brave Enough
• Your Daily (read: Monthly) Horoscope
• Wacky Fun Whitey: Evil Just Like your Mom
• Newsbriefs
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.4

No doubt there are many young men at Columbia, who after hours of scouring volumes of scholarship and grant related literature, throw their arms up in the air in total exhaustion. "Preposterous!" They might yell, "No funds available for those who do not fit into the meritocratic system?" These young men are justified in their disgust and contempt of the pompous windbags who monopolize the scholarship, grant and financial aid systems. For years these institutions have been guilty of financial profiling, denying young Anglo-Saxon males their right to institutional and federal funds.

Well fret no more gentlemen. 2001 is your year, they year in which the White Anglo Saxon Male Scholarship Association Fund (WASMSAF) has become a reality. Founded by a member of the old guard, Sir Richard Teague-Greenleaf, the Fund is committed to providing financial assistance to those who do not really need it. Greenleaf's motto: "Helping the cream rise to the top," has resounded enthusiastically throughout the halls of all top-level universities. "It's all right to be diverse and everything," said S.H Thompson, a sophomore at Princeton, "but what about the originals? My whole family has been at this school for generations, it's high time I see some un deserved cash come this way." Asher Jones, a junior at Harvard, echoed Thompson's sentiments but added, "Women should be barred from this opportunity. I mean, can't they go to Vassar or something?"

On college campuses around the northeast many young men have joined together to form ‘Gentlemen's Clubs.' These clubs, as the President of one Yale chapter said, "exist as a way of reclaiming institutional heritage." When pushed for explanation he simply said, "There was a time when these schools were exclusively for the male Anglo Saxon elite. We simply want to take them back to their heyday."

Not all students are happy about Sir Greenleaf's Fund and the nostalgia that has accompanied it. Theresa Regas, a Columbia junior, paused for comment in the middle of an Anti-Greenleaf rally on Lowe Steps. "Those narcissistic pig bastards!" She screamed at a Fed reporter. "Schools shouldn't go back to being all male, that's sexist and discriminatory!" In answer to her screams, Columbia's Greenleaf Fund President, Davis Nolan-Parker yelled back, "Women shouldn't be educated! Reading and writing makes them get ideas. Imagine the repercussions of a girl with ideas and logical thoughts!"

The Columbia administration declined to comment on the currently super charged campus atmosphere. However, one source close to the Fed, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that should Princeton follow Greenleaf and the Gentlemen's Clubs leads, by taking universities back to the old school, Columbia would follow. "Princeton is a much better school, Columbia would trust them to make any of our decisions."

Thus far the WASMSAF has received roughly 1200 applications, only 73 of which are from Columbia. Hugo Gettie, Greenleaf's Chief Strategical Advisor, attributed this to Columbia's small student body, as well as the school's "sickeningly liberal student body." However, he was optimistic that prospective applicants would be swung over to the WASMSAF platform when the Greenleaf propaganda begins its full run in December. "As of now, Princeton and Dartmouth have responded favorably to the trial propaganda." Mr. Gettie said, "We feel confident that schools such as Brown and Columbia will respond favorably too." The propaganda consists of motivational videos, books and group outings. "Basically, strength through happiness." Remarked Mr. Gettie.

It has been stressed by Greenleaf Industries that applicants are not guaranteed success. "Sir Greenleaf hand picks candidates. He is very selective and applicants must first meet all the requirements." Said Mr. Nolan-Parker. The requirements, we have learned, consist of various academic in excellencies. One must have attended a prestigious prep school and have been kicked out. No one with a GPA over 2.1 is even considered for selection. "It serves no purpose to allocate funds to overachievers." Said Mr. Gettie, "Our Fund is all about promoting leisure among the privileged." Applicants must also be above 72 inches tall, forming a 6 foot plus club; and excel in one of the following activities; motoring, croquet, polo, boxing, tennis or baccarat.

"By having stringent application standards." Said Mr. Gettie, "We seek to attract the best type of playboy: those with mediocre intelligence, athletic prowess and good looks. This makes them feel a sense of community and hence it becomes easier to control their minds." Glancing around the Columbia campus last Tuesday he grimaced, noting that, "Columbia has come a long way, and thus has a long walk home."