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Posted: November 30, 2001
In This Issue
- Jesus Spams
- Lifelong Lepers Supported
- A Porn Star Is Born
- Letters to the Editor
- My God Is Pissed
- An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
- You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
- Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
- Flogging the Bishop
- Ask Professor Pete
- News Briefs
- Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
- Drive-By Circumcision
- Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
- Sin Big, Sin Real Big
- Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
- CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
- Now Playing in Selected Cities
- God By Way of Drugs
- Jesus Saves A Buck
- Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
- CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
- THEY Watch
- The Staff of 17.5
CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
Our exclusivity proves that we are indeed the chosen ones
Mike Ilardi
| What | Columbia Admissions | St. Peter |
|---|---|---|
| Admission Requirement | A high school education, a wide variety of extracurricular activities, and high board scores. | A life of virtue, multitude of good deeds, and worship of God. |
| Tips for Getting In | Avoid getting caught doing anything, as convictions may jeopardize your acceptance. | Avoid all immoral activities. God sees all, much like Santa Claus (no, boinking your mom is not allowed). |
| What you'll get | Four years of sex, drugs, and academic enlightenment [I mean, rejection by the West End, that cute girl in your CC class and all your professors (I mean, Graduate Student Instructors)] | Eternal happiness |
| Price | Approximately $35,000 per year (plus your soul). | Free, kind of like West Point |
| Alternative | 4 Years of damnation at Yale | Eternal damnation in hell |
| How To Apply | Fill out an application and write an essay and a check | Die |