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In This Issue
- Jesus Spams
- Lifelong Lepers Supported
- A Porn Star Is Born
- Letters to the Editor
- My God Is Pissed
- An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
- You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
- Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
- Flogging the Bishop
- Ask Professor Pete
- News Briefs
- Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
- Drive-By Circumcision
- Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
- Sin Big, Sin Real Big
- Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
- CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
- Now Playing in Selected Cities
- God By Way of Drugs
- Jesus Saves A Buck
- Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
- CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
- THEY Watch
- The Staff of 17.5
Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
Our resident theologian rounds up all the detritus that makes Catholic dogma so lovable
Steve Attewell
As the holiest time of the year begins, namely the holiday shopping season, it is good to take a moment to think about the person who made possible this month-long orgy of capitalism, family violence, increased suicide rates, and holiday movies possible: a little bastard called Jesus. And it would be even better to get the little Messiah back for Ben-Hur, Amal and the Night Visitors, and those awful Cruxifiction clocks your weird aunt Doris gives you for Hannukkah.
10. The only way He could possibly restore his status as a pop-cultural icon is if Andrew Lloyd Webber were to write Him into another crappy rock-musical.
9. Mohemmad, that Johnny-come-lately whose worshippers haven't "gotten past" the killing - in - the - name - of - God - every - night - of - the - week phase. That is like Soooo 300 years ago.
8. Dad ragging on Him for being such a pansy: "When We were a young Diety, We were a Vengful God, a Jealous God, not some Loving, Merciful, Treehugging Hippie Communist. When are you going to shave? And for My sake, eat something!"
7. The whole "pain cult" thing.
6. The Oedipus Complex. Can you imagine wanting to kill Our Omnipotent Father and sleep with Our Virgin Mother? No, you can't. It's too fucked up.
5. That damn fig tree didn't have any figs! He was hungry! Is it His fault He lost His temper and smote one stupid tree?
4. Santeria, Contomble, and the Catholic Church for ignoring Him completely yet calling on His name all the fucking time, especially when He's in the bathroom. Jesus H. Christ!
3. People praying to get laid.
2. Dinosaurs, Darwin, and Anti-Disestablishmentarianism, because the Church of England is a Sin against Our Lord.
1. Cheeze Whiz(tm) being spread on His Body, and olives on toothpicks being dipped in His Blood.