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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Following the lukewarm response to such domitory themes as "Carmanhattan" and "Superhero Schapiro," the residence life coordinators of URH are planning a blockbuster season for the 2002-2003 year.

Ideas are already flying across the table, according to Chief Residence Life Coordinator Jane Harlosett (CC ‘03). "We've already instituted a test run for next year," says Harlosett. "For the freshmen, we're trying out Carmanorexia, where every floor gets a different eating disorder."

According to Billy Gilman, a resident of Carman, student reactions have been mixed. "I'm on Bulimia 12," says Gilman, "and I can't really explain my displeasure. It will be very difficult for firstyears to have a pleasant residential experience when the bathroom constantly smells like beef stroganoff."

Overeating disorders have been assigned to the residents of Carman Two and Carman Mezzanine in order to minimize the effort to get from Cafe 212 to one's room. Said a resident fatty: "I'm in love with the new program. Free priviledges at the dining hall? Gosh, I feel like an athlete or something." Discount rentals at Kim's Music and Video have been arranged for residents of said floors, in order to promote a sedentary and weight-gaining lifestyle.

Residence Life Coordinator Harlosett also related her backup plan: "Should Carmanorexia fail, we're thinking of instituting Carmanoshevitz. Every floor can abuse a different alcoholic beverage! Pretty cool, huh?"

A resident of Gin Seven was born again in the light of the program's genius. "Yeah," said Simon Doshenson (CC ‘05), "fuck yeah! This is so fucking cool that I just might lie down on my bed for a few hours, and did you ever notice how hot some of the girls who hang out at the West End could be if they stopped wearing all that clothing?" After vomiting three times in the suite bathroom and then engaging in conversation with other students who emerged from the floor elevator, Gershenson then crawled into bed and slept peacefully.

According to the current RA application, the duties of residental advisors include "organizing study breaks" and "recognizing and mediating conflicts on the floor." The RA of Vodka Nine, however, has learned to adjust to the changing situation of the floor's residents. "I think it's best to step aside and let things happen as they might," said Paloma Vasquez (CC ‘02). "The other day, some dude made a pass at his suitemate. He wound up getting whacked in the face with a whiteboard, but I think that URH can afford to let such things go. The floormate camraderie in the face of promotional alcohol has been, on the whole, simply outstanding. Have you ever tried Gordon's Vodka? It tastes a hell of a lot like their gin."

Residents have already reported improvements since the new turn of dormitory housing themes. "In the old times," said James St. John (CC ‘04), "I lived in Superhero Schapiro on the Masters of the Universe floor. It was awful. Every girl I brought home would say, ‘Are you really He-Man?' and I'd inevitably reply, ‘Well, why don't you find out?' It was that bad. Now that I'm living in Schapiro Hooray for Wealthy Alumni, they say, ‘Are you really as good a financial prospect as 1996 graduate Saul Greenberg, who is currently working as an I-banker for Merrill Lynch?' And I say, ‘Well, why don't you stick around for a few years and find out?' It works like magic. Oh yeah, baby. On-campus housing is where it's at."