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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Capricorn
You like to do your business while entertaining guests. However, putting a toilet in your suite room is not the same as a covered bathtub though, Capricorn.

Aquarius
Don't let flattering words make you spend more than you really want. A blowjob in Penn Station is not worth more than 15 bucks.

Pisces
As Poor Richard says, Gain may be temporary and uncertain, but ever while you live, Experience is constant and certain; and ‘tis easier to build two chimneys than to keep one in fuel, as Poor Richard says.

Aries
I'll tell you something I think you'll understand. When I say that something, I want to hold your hand, ram. I want to hold your hand. And when I touch you I feel happy inside. It's such a feeling that my love, I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't HIDE!

Taurus
Like the pointillist technique of painting in tiny dots of pure color, you will learn a lesson in futilism this month when you spend days studying for an exam that you are doomed to fail anyhow.

Gemini
Single? A night at a local club might not sound appealing but a hot lover will be waiting there for you. Note - the lover might be too old, living with his mom, and gross, but who are you to deny your phone number to anyone at this point? Face it, you're desperate, Gemini.

Cancer
Just because you're a hot young thing now, there's no guarantee that you won't look like trailer trash later in life. Beware the fate of Matt Dillon, Cancer.

Leo
Opinions run in close parallel lines to facts and truth. Except yours, which run at strange angles, yet don't intersect with anyone's. I am amazed again and again how wrong you can be sometimes, Leo.

Virgo
Despite your fondness for Winston Churchill, you will be disappointed when people start saying that all babies look like you when they first pop out of the mother hole.

Libra
Like Luke Skywalker, you are strong in the force, Libra. However, like him, you also harbor incestual tendencies, which is generally frowned upon.

Scorpio
Stupid actions on the part of a loved one make you curse the day you met him/her. However, the stupidity also makes you a little glad that you elbowed him/her in the nose during sex that one time.

Sagittarius
Even the most casual flirtation happens for a reason. Next time someone looks at you on the street, pull down your pants and spring a flying jump on him/her. You only live once, Sagittarius.