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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Katie O'Shea

Let's be honest, everybody masturbates. All guys do it. All girls do it. OK, some girls do it, but your mother definitely does it - ALL NIGHT LONG! Sorry to all you orphans out there; I don't want to bring up a sensitive subject. As a result of my extensive research in the field, I have discovered that masturbation has many witty euphemisms. A few of my favorites: talking to your little brother (the incestuous implications are simply charming!), boxing the jesuit (what' masturbation without religious guilt?), and playing the clitar- for all you musically-inclined ladies out there.

While everybody masturbates, I discovered recently that not everybody masturbates with the shades down. From my perch in Ruggles, I saw directly into a John Jay single (this, ladies and gentlemen, is why they call it John Jay TV) where a lone freshman sat, blinds up, just his computer and his cobra. What could possess someone so young and so innocent to go so wrong? Didn't his parents teach him anything before he left? Son, always masturbate with the curtains closed!

As a result of his error, my eight friends and I - don't worry there were some girls with us too - were unwillingly treated to about 20 minutes of what I would characterize as A.D.D. masturbation (because, of course, we didn't have the choice to think ‘this is disgusting!' and get up and walk away from the window). I thought I had a short attention span, but this guy set new records with every non-twist of his wrist. He couldn't seem to find anything on his computer that he wanted to watch; thus, it was a stop and go process. (Wouldn't masturbation and internet pornography be easier if we all had three hands?) However, in retrospect, this part was harmless compared to the part where our young friend began to whack his piece against his desk.

Later, perhaps for a little variation and excitement, he began to intermittently submarine under his desk. At this point, I decided enough was enough. I had to teach this errant boy a lesson: that masturbation with open curtains was a deadly sin. After searching in vain for a laser pen, I busted out a flashlight and sprayed his window for several minutes. Slow to pick up on the fact that his public masturbation days were over, our young friend continued until he finally stood up, in quite skimpy black briefs, and pulled down the shade. Thus, this harrowing ordeal ended without further action- I just hope for his sake that he actually finished the job.