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In This Issue
- Jesus Spams
- Lifelong Lepers Supported
- A Porn Star Is Born
- Letters to the Editor
- My God Is Pissed
- An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
- You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
- Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
- Flogging the Bishop
- Ask Professor Pete
- News Briefs
- Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
- Drive-By Circumcision
- Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
- Sin Big, Sin Real Big
- Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
- CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
- Now Playing in Selected Cities
- God By Way of Drugs
- Jesus Saves A Buck
- Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
- CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
- THEY Watch
- The Staff of 17.5
Jesus Spams
Pope surfs web: still trying to guess Vatican password that disables NannyWatch
Katie Herman
Recently, Pope John Paul II sent a message via the Internet apologizing to those throughout history who have been the victims of sexual abuse by members of the clergy. This was the first web message ever sent out by a pope, and it marks an important step in the digitalization of the papacy.
The e-pology was sent to churches around the world with the subject "READ THIS, VERY IMPORTANT!!" After expressing his sorrow over the abuses by the clergy, the Pope went on to caution priests to practice moderation in loving their neighbors, and he proposed loving themselves as an "affirming and enjoyable alternative." He then quoted the medieval Catholic mystic Juan Marco De Las Jacolas, posing the following theological query: "When the forest ceases to move/ and the Earth returns into view/ We all must get in the groove/ and ask, What Would Jesus Do?"
The Pope proposed that Jesus would send an apology to everyone in his address book. Jesus would even include the people who had asked him not to send them forwards anymore because "THIS IS NOT JUST A CHAIN E-MAIL, THIS IS SERIOUS!" He said that Jesus would go as far as to include a little note at the top of the forward saying:
"hey y'all, please just take 5 min 2 read this. you'll b glad u did. it'll make u feel a lot better esp if you've ever been sexually abused by G-d like i . . . uh . . . err . . . i mean . . . well just please read it and send it 2 everyone in yer address book. it only takes a min and the pope is really sorry. if u dont send it, well, i just dont know what kinda person u r. i don't undersand how u can b so lazy and selfish that u wouldnt take 5 min out of yer day 2 send this on. geez! well, gtg. ttyl, jesus ():P"
The e-mail closed with the promise that, if you sent it on to more than ten people, Jesus would love you more than ever. If you did not send it on at all, your parish priest would love you more than ever-hard and from behind.
After sending the e-mail the pope sipped his grande latte and updated his online journal, typing "kinda gloomy" for mood and explaining that he was worried about his relationship with the Holy Spirit since they hadn't been talking much lately, only on AIM, and H.S. hadn't been returning his emails. The Pope gave a current spiritual enlightenment rating of three little Jesus heads, and then he played an hour of Snood before logging off.
Plans for further digitalization include online confession and papal blessing websites, the sale of indulgences on eBay, and a deal with Apple for a new line of colorful sin-free iPope computers to be used in Catholic schools which don't allow students to view any websites with information on birth control. Any questions regarding the new "Pope JP 2.1 " program, as Vatican officials are calling it, can be emailed to da_p0pe69@god.com.