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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Columbia students and their neighbors were finally getting used to being asked, "are you Jewish?" by young men in black suits and fedoras on the corner of Broadway and 116th street. That question is about to change, however. There is a new movement that follows on the heels of their wildly successful Sukkot program, which provided the opportunity for hundreds of members of the Morningside Heights Jewish community to fulfill religious obligations by sitting in a box.

"The key to Judaism is knowledge of who you are," Rabbi Dovid Meyerwitz explained in a press conference outside the Kraft Center on Tuesday. "We at the Columbia University Chabad House believe that the defining characteristic of the Jewish male is his circumcision. It is for this reason that we are introducing the Mobile Mohel program to ensure that every Jewish male in Morningside Heights is circumcised according to Jewish law."

Program volunteers, who will be stationed in their usual spots, have been instructed to walk up to non-threatening white males and ask if they are Jewish and have been circumcised. While he admitted that some of his volunteers were squeamish at first, "in the end, the prospect of helping so many young men fulfill their destiny far outweighed the prospect of asking a stranger about his foreskin," Rabbi Meyerwitz explained. Jewish males who are still uncut will subsequently be offered the opportunity to fulfill their Judaic obligation then and there, with a complimentary circumcision performed in the phone booth on the far corner of 116th and Broadway. Those who undergo the operation will be rewarded with a kosher lollipop, a sticker reading "Give me a kiss - I had a bris," and the sense of pride that can only come from doing a good deed.

For the especially reluctant, Meyerwitz has created a special mickey finn blend of Manoshevitz and opium guaranteed to "knock the recipient out like an eight-day-old baby."

While many members of the Morningside Heights community are skeptical about the plan, Rabbi Meyerwitz expects that his "Mobile Mohels" will, "G-d willing, have as much success as those young people who ask me where I get my hair cut every time I walk by."