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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Dear Fed:

(In response to the article Yatrakis Meat Factory, featured in Fed issue 15.6):
I guess you guys don't like the way my cousin is treating you. It would help, however, if you would include a little background in your stories. That way, Columbia College alumni like myself could understand better the context of your editorials. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and say hi to Katherine if you see her.

Pan G. Yatrakis, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics and Finance
Wayne Huizenga Graduate School of Business and Entrepreneurship

Dear Pan,
Glad to see that alumni are taking interest in our little rag. In regard to your request for more background in the stories, I am afraid there is little we can do. Most of our archived pieces were written two or more years ago, and our writers have a nasty habit of cutting all ties with the Fed after about two or three issues. Also, I think the title pretty much speaks for itself. I will be sure to say hi to Kat for you, although she tends to hiss at anyone who reminds her of the Fed.

Sincerely,
Edward Ehrbar
Publisher

PS: Is that your real first name? And if so, what's it short for?

Dear, sir(s),
We , Daeseong Farming Machines, are a special company in handling of Used Agricultural Machines in South Korea. We are selling in domestic market and exporting our machines to all over the world including USA, Greece, Egypt, and Philippines. Please, visit our homepage and check the good machines. We are always at your disposal. Feel free to contact us.
Head office & Stock yard
Address : 318-1, Kuman-Ri, Buki-Myon, Cheongwon-Kun, Chungcheongbuk-Do, Korea
Tel : 82-43-212-4988/9 / Fax : 82-43-214-5858 Email : daeseong@daeesong.net
LetÕs Our Companies Contact!

Dear Daesong Farming Machines,

We at the Fed have examined your web site and believe that, indeed, the machines are good. Although our publication currentlly has no need of neither a backhoe nor a chicken inseminator, we can only hope that other campus publications can use your products. The Blue and White, in fact, may need your services. In order to compile extra funds, they are considering an experiment in virtuous yeomanry following the Spring 2002 semester. We hope that they choose your company for their agribusiness efforts in the foothills of Appalachia.

Sincerely,
Paul Campion
Head Submissions Editor

(In response to the premature information that his article, "CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming", p.6, had been cut)
Dear Fed,

Thanks for warning me. I will not look for my piece in the Fed. But I am a little disappointed. (Enough so, obviously, not to bother with the Fed again. It seems that you guys are just as retarded as the Spectator, only worse, because the Fed pretends to be "alternative.")
You can pass on to whoever makes these sorts of decisions that virtually no one reads to the end of any of the articles anyway, and that a 1000 word interview with a blind guy is not exactly for "the average reader." I think that what they mean by "average reader" is simply a stupid reader, and stupid readers like things about drugs, usually. (Also, it occurs to me that we're at an Ivy League school, now that I think about it.)
It's just seems to me that I wrote a very good article in a very clever way about a very cool thing, that the mere originality of the style means that it should be published in your newspaper BY VIRTUE OF THE FACT THAT IT IS ORIGINAL.
I'm just really "Fed" up with how, when people see something that is different, they get condesceding and say, "No one will get it."
Sorry for venting, but it's got to be the stupidest policy an "alternative" newspaper could employ: to alienate writers who write something that's an alternative to all the normal drivel that "stupid--I mean average--readers will appreciate."
David Sauvage

Dear David,
I'm sorry you were misinformed about your article being cut, but fortunately for you, we do layout drunk, and low and behold the run-on sentence made it to page six. While most readers do not read through entire articles, we hope that they are able to get through the first sentence of articles we print. Though we found your article charming in its own way, we didn't think that was possible. As to the originality of the piece, see Finnegan's Wake.

Meghan Keane
Editor-In-Chief

PS. I will send someone to ensure that the paper is "Fed" up your ass