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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Mormons Tell Truth: "We're a Cult"

In an unprecedented move, a spokesman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known as the Mormon church), admitted yesterday in a press conference that the Church is actually a cult, rather than a legitimate religion. "To be honest, we thought the whole polygamy thing was a dead giveaway" explained Elder Michael Green. "Add to that the fact that our ideology is based on two golden tablets found in a yard, and our firm belief that good Mormons become gods when they die, (not to mention our practice of jacking 10% of our members' income each year)! Basically, we can't believe we got away with it for this long".

Green explained that being designated a religion allowed the "church" to operate as a non-profit organization, thus enjoying substantial tax breaks. He also added, "we didn't think people would take too kindly to random guys in white shirts and nametags trying to convert them in their own homes, so we used the whole 'religion' thing to keep people from shooting at us". The "Church" decided to revert to their original early 19th-century status as an unrecognized cult after realizing that they now have so much cash, they don't need to pretend anymore.

Career Services Branching Out Into "Traditionally Solid, If Not Quite Legal" Professions

Recognizing the scarcity of job offers in today's slumping economy, Columbia Career Services has begun investigation into alternative career paths, including pharmaceutical distribution and pleasure providing. To this end, CCS has arranged for internships with two of the city's largest escort agencies, Eastern Promise and Blonde on Blonde, as well as with Happy's Party Favors, Manhattan's largest weed-and-pills delivery service. "We realized that no matter how hard times get, people still have money to spend on drugs," a representative explained. "And if they don't have the cash themselves, they can always tell their parents they need some money for food". Neither internship will be paid, although it is understood that those working for Happy's will at least get to smoke for free.

Americans Refuse To Deal, Watch Harry Potter Instead

Rather than face up to the traumatic events of the past two months, Americans nationwide are instead turning out in droves to see a kids' movie about an 11-year-old wizard. Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone recently broke box office records for an opening weekend in November, despite the fact that the film is 2-and-a-half hours long and intended for children under the age of fourteen. "I don't see anything wrong with my being here," said 22-year-old Andrea Prozoroff at a midnight screening on opening day. "I mean, if Harry can become the youngest seeker in a century and win the house cup for Griffindor, everything's going to be all right, right?"

Stein's sentiments were echoed across the country as grown men and women lined up around the block to watch the overly long, unimaginative Chris Columbus film. In a Fed poll conducted outside a Loews Theater in Manhattan, 90% of those interviewed believe that Harry could be "very useful" in America's war on terrorism, while 95% think it "very likely" that Harry has better defined abs than Brad Pitt.Sociologists nationwide are puzzled by the phenomenon. Columbia's own Dr. Martin Mumford believes that we are witnessing "the retardation of an entire nation. What the hell is wrong with all these people? Perhaps they just want an excuse to watch a bunch of little boys and girls on screen".

Ugly White Kid Sues Lunar Gala for Reverse Discrimination

Following his rejection during model-screening week, Kevin Thompson (CC ‘03) made plans to indict the executive board of Lunar Gala on charges of reverse discrimination. "I can't imagine what the problem was," said the fifth-generation Anglo-American. "I have had a healthy Asian fetish for as long as I can remember. If my superficial interest in the beauty of asiatic porn starlets doesn't make me eligible to model Lunar Gala clothing, then what the hey?"

Lunar Gala Excutive Director Don Wang (CC ‘02) denied any allegations of reverse discrimination. According to Wang, "the problem is that Mr. Thompson is, in fact, ugly. I saw him on the catwalk and believe you me, this is one honky with an aesthetically displeasing face. He so ugly, when he was born the doctor slapped his mama!"