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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Al Pacino said in Scarface "You know what capitalism is? Gettin fucked." He was right. I came to California aspiring to become an accomplished actor and recording artist. I tried school, but it turned out to be nothing special. Then I decided after 3 years that I had had enough.

One day after I had moved to Hollywood, I got a rush call and was told to dress in gym clothes. $50 in cash. I'm thinking, cool, and that soon my non-union days will be over and I'll be on to bigger and better things. When I got there, something felt different. The director looked like some kind of blotchy freak.

Then I saw a guy that I know I've seen in a porn flick (I've seen a few, OK?). I told the others that this was a porn and they didn't believe me. A production assistant came over and handed us model releases to sign, telling us this is for the Playboy Channel. I looked at the release, which requires our consent to act in a sexually explicit movie. I told the cute girl sitting next to me that I thought they would offer her a shot at getting in on the porno deal. I was right, though she declined an invitation to participate in a nude scene. While we were there, a buxom Italian woman decided to take her clothes off and change in front of me. That was all right.

I was intrigued, so I wandered closer to the dialogues being shot and found myself standing next to a hot chick called "Ashlyn Gere." She was flirtatiously rubbing up against me as if I was the next guy she would be "working" with.

I was at a loss. I could feel her sexual energy and see her nice size titties tightly held by her shirt. Falling all over myself, I said, "It's funny how it's Sunday morning now and people are going to church and we're here doing this." She froze and soon I found myself standing alone again.

Five years later, I was still sticking it out in Hollywood, walking to my 6 AM telemarketing job. One day on my way to work, I saw an adult newspaper called "LA XPress." I picked it up and read it when I came home from work. I circled the ads which read "Porn Star/Escort." First i called a few ads, telling the girls I was a young attractive male looking to get into the adult business. When they said "so what?" I changed my story: I was a young attractive male seeking to get into the adult business to support a young child. This got me a referral to an agency. I made an appointment and a female talent coordinator took me into the back room and shot a few naked Polaroids of me. I asked her if she wanted me to have a hard on and she said that would help. She liked what she saw, told the boss and two weeks later, I got my big chance.

My first porn scene was unforgettable. I got to the hotel and met the girl that I was supposed to have sex with. Average looking, I'd say, young, but nothing fancy. She was a stripper named Lacy Love, who carried a bag of clothes, dildos and makeup. On the way there she revealed that I was to be her first boy scene, though she had done some lesbian work. I told her I liked to see heat develop from a sense of the unknown. The director told me that I was to play a young college student who calls an escort agency. I'm supposed to be horny, but nervous. No problem.

The scene started. I called, waited, and answered the door. I'm nervous and she can tell--she says it's going to be all right. Soon she was sucking dick, and I looked down and said to myself, "this definitely beats telemarketing." When it came to be my turn, I flipped her over and went down on her. Soon I realized that I had pulled my tongue. I do everything so the cameraman can see, trying to pull a lizard tongue showcase. She was enjoying it, but, damn, my tongue was killing me!

Then it was finally time for the main event. I go in for the kill and the director says, "I can't see anything. Can you stand up more?" So, I quickly began to learn the bizarre, leg-straining circus positions, keeping my ass in the air and coming down as I thrust. Before I knew it, we had gone through all the positions, Doggie Style, Spoon, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl. Now the big finale. I shot a big load then had to hold for stills. We showered, he paid us. I drove her home. We kissed goodbye. What a nice girl.