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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Dear Prof. Pete,

You're a meanie, Prof. Pete! I didn't like your letter to me in issue 17.2! I didn't kill my dog Sparkles! My mommy says you're going to H-E-double hockey sticks! You're a poopyhead!

Billy, age 8

Dear Billy,

Billy, my boy, it's kind of cute that you're worrying about such heavy issues as the afterlife at such a young age. You're only 8, you should be out playing with other young children, torturing small woodland creatures, or disposing of your first dead hooker. The last thing on your mind should be the horrible unthinkable eternal destiny that awaits your evil soul.

Actually, Hell isn't that bad. Have you ever seen any paintings by Hieronymus Bosch? I mean, he has all these little midgets running around and naked people and pools of fire and cute little demon creatures and... I mean c'mon... Midgets!! Sign me up today! And there's these little green dudes that run around shoving flutes up their asses! Can you imagine anything cooler than a flute up the ass? Doesn't Hell sounds ten times better than Disney World?

Prof. Pete

Dear Prof. Pete,

I feel like a stereotype. Like so many other lazy young Christians who didn't want to wake up early on Sundays, I left the religion of my parents saying I was "searching for my own answers." Now I don't know what I believe, but I want to grasp onto something. Do you have any suggestions for a religion or ideology I can adopt? I'm looking for one that goes well with practical modern living.

Thanks,

Searching in Schapiro

Dear Searching,

Practical modern living? You mean you like to touch yourself, but you don't want to feel guilty about it, right? Don't worry, Prof. Pete understands. In fact, I understand myself several times a day.

So what religions are popular these days? Let's see, lots of people seem to like being Mormon. Goofy people, if you ask me. No coffee, no booze, and no sex. What the fuck? They can't even have dirty thoughts, let alone actions. I knew this Mormon guy once that would run out of the room crying whenever a woman in a bikini would come on TV. They get violent, too. Worst wagon train massacre in U.S. history? Mormons. So if you enjoy a nice frappucino, let alone even thinking about touching your little bishop, don't go Mormon.

Then there are all of those celebrities who are into Scientology. I know as much about Scientology as I do about psychology, that is, jack shit. But, hey, if John Travolta and Isaac Hayes are into it, it's gotta be the shit, right? That L. Ron Hubbard, he's one bad mother--shut your mouth, this is no joke. He said once the best way to get rich was to start a religion. And then he started his own. But the crazy stuff these people buy into. Some guy on the subway was telling me that he knew this Scientologist that said they were all waiting around for some UFO to come and take them back to their home planet. Space sex sounds real good at first, but if they're anything like those Heaven's Gate nuts, you won't be taking your package with you.

Now you have to go old school for my personal favorite religion. Isaac Newton and his crew practiced Deism, also known as the 'cosmic-watchmaker' jive. They thought of God as an absentee landlord, and I agree with them. I also happen to believe that in the beginning Man created God in his own image. I read that off of a Jethro Tull record jacket while stoned in grad school-- rock on higher education. So yeah, I'm a jackass. Thus my God is a jackass too. Since I'm a Deist, he's up there, and I'm down here, and we don't talk much. And we're both happy. This allows for lots of wanking fun. Every once in awhile, I even aim up and say, "God, this one's for you!"

So, rock on my friggin' friend. And make sure to try auto-erotic asphyxiation. What better way to get off and meet your maker!

Putting the other hand to good use right now,

Prof. Pete