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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Some people dream of making the winning play in the World Series, or of curing a disease. Not me, though. You know what I've always wanted to do? I've always wanted to do something to impress God. Now that is a goal of great magnitude. Call it sinful; call it crazy. I call it what it is: ambitious.

After careful consideration, I decided that few things pop up on the Big Man's radar like a good sin spree. Not just any little lapse in judgment, mind you, but a major-league pattern of truly egregious behavior. So here it is: my plan to accomplish what few probably have. I'm going to break all of the Ten Commandments and commit all Seven Deadly Sins in one fell swoop.

First, a quick review of the rules. The Ten Commandments forbid having other gods, idolatry, taking the Lord's Name in vein, desecrating the Sabbath, dishonoring one's parents, murder, adultery, theft, bearing false witness, and coveting. The Heavy Seven are: sloth, pride, envy, lust, wrath, greed, and gluttony.

A big family gathering is the ideal setting for this. It kills a lot of birds with one stone. It should also be on a Saturday or Sunday, depending on your choice of orthodox. Before you arrive, be sure to finish your photo shrine to Britney Spears, and say an incantation to Aphrodite and covet away. As it is finally completed, a sincere, "God be damned, that Christ-fucking slut is fine," will communicate your admiration nicely. Now think about that little boy-band shit Britney is giving it up for instead of you. Look at that, you haven't even arrived yet, and you've broken four commandments and two deadly sins.

Be sure to have a huge spread of food at this party (scratch gluttony off the list). Continue by flipping off your dad when he asks you to pass the salt. As soon as he raises his voice to you, yell back at him in a rage that he never loved you and complain that he never bought you anything but a cheap gift (add wrath and greed to the indictment). If you're really feeling wild, explain that a person of your stature (hence, pride) deserved better.

Now comes the really fun part. Leave the place and go next door to screw your neighbor's wife. Don't worry, she'll want to. Who would stand in the way of such a worthy pursuit as this? For the big finale, break a heavy object over her head, steal her wedding ring, and watch football on her couch until you fall asleep. Then, after your nap, call 911 and blame the husband, say he caught you two in bed together or something (it's just not a good false witness bearing unless it's more plausible).

I'm sure God has seen a lot since the beginning of time, but I would doubt that any human has yet committed every Biblical felony in less than a full day. Well, except maybe Charlie Sheen, but that's still some exclusive company. Feel free to add your own personal touches to make it more fun. And I'll be seeing you in the Ninth Circle soon enough.