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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Who are THEY? THEY are THEM, the THEM of THEY that make all the other THEYs possible. THEY will control all if THEY get their way. THEY want you to buy THEIR tequila-flavored beers, wear THEIR reversible hoody/blazers, and marry THEIR daughters of THEIR revolution. They Watch is your fighting chance. It is stationed on the parapet between us and THEM, observing always and acting once in a while; we don't have anything better to do and Buffy's not on. But THEY are cunning and clandestine, and many can slip into THEIR traps...

1. It was bad enough when American Express had sappy commercials that advertised their stupid credit card. Now the ads don't even mention the card, and extra attention is given to the sappy factor. Yeah, I'm crying, but that's only because I'm choking back vomit. Milking the patriotic spirit to highlight your brand name = THEY! (now more than ever)

2. Let's face it. Your club doesn't really do anything except take up space and reserve funds you never use, just so members of your "special interest" can sit around and talk every week or so. Couldn't you do that without being a recognized student group, you marginilized toenail clipping enthusiast. Unnecessary ABC groups that brought about the funding freeze = THEY!

3. It seemed like a harmless pet, one that I could love and share my life with. Then it started growing. Then it started eating. Then it ate my mom, which was kinda cool. But when the damn thing ate my life-size Ricky Martin doll, it had gone too far. The old Chinese man who sold me a goldfish = THEY!

4. The whole incident was frightening to consider. Are our students really safe? Maybe we should have counselors look into this. I mean, seriously, if you can fit 20 students into one of those John Jay elevators, then there must some SERIOUS anorexia goin' on round here. Administrators exaggerating numbers for effect = THEY!

5. Christmas is a RELIGIOUS holiday, not an American one. Therefore, even taking into account recent events, I would suggest relying on the old standby of red and green lights for a giant X-mas tree instead of the red, white, and blue that went up in Rockefeller Center. I guess this just means that Santa Claus will only bring presents to little American children. Once again, Canada, you're shit out of luck. "America the Beautiful" now being used as a Christmas carol = THEY!